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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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20th Century Fox Green-Lights 'United 93 vs. Predator'

LOS ANGELES—Seeking to expand on two of their most beloved properties, 20th Century Fox executives have approved production on United 93 vs. Predator, a crossover film speculating what might have happened the morning of Sept. 11, 2001, if a team of self-cloaking alien hunters had also been aboard the doomed flight that crashed in Shanksville, PA. “This film will ramp up the action and tension in the original United 93 by a factor of five,” Fox vice president Adam Bronford promised Tuesday, adding that the film’s tagline will be “We Don’t Negotiate with Predators.” “In addition to terrorist hijackers, the passengers will face traveling carnivorous space chameleons who blend into their surroundings and pick off passengers one by one for their alien blood sport. We won’t give out any spoilers, but it’s fair to say a planeload of brave, freedom-loving Americans will prove to be more than those Predators bargained for.” If the film is a success, New Line Cinema will reportedly green-light the script for Freddy vs. Jason vs. New Year’s Eve on the Achille Lauro.

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