adBlockCheck

Local

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

22-Year-Old Gets Job At Website

SAN FRANCISCO—A local 22-year-old has obtained a job at a website, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I am eager to begin my career working at this website,” said the white male in his 20s, who secured his position after graduating from a four-year educational program at an accredited university. “This is an exciting industry. My job will allow me to use my technological skills in the workplace.” According to preliminary reports, the 22-year-old is currently looking to rent an apartment in the major metropolitan area where the website is located.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close