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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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22-Year-Old Gets Job At Website

SAN FRANCISCO—A local 22-year-old has obtained a job at a website, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I am eager to begin my career working at this website,” said the white male in his 20s, who secured his position after graduating from a four-year educational program at an accredited university. “This is an exciting industry. My job will allow me to use my technological skills in the workplace.” According to preliminary reports, the 22-year-old is currently looking to rent an apartment in the major metropolitan area where the website is located.

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