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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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24-Year-Old Receives Sage Counsel From Venerable 27-Year-Old

DULUTH, MN—Generously bestowing the kind of wisdom that only comes with age, worldly and venerable 27-year-old Matthew Owen took the time last night to offer his enlightened counsel to 24-year-old family friend Dennis Paige, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Paige, who since graduating from the University of Minnesota in 2011 has struggled to find a full-time job or commit himself to any long-term plan, was reportedly taken aside by Owen for a candid one-on-one talk during which the elder man imparted just a sampling of the profound knowledge he’s amassed from nearly five years in the real world.

“Listen, I remember feeling the same way when I was in my mid-20s,” said the 27-year-old, drawing upon his abundant wealth of life experience. “Believe me, when I was your age, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do either. Life is just something that takes a little while to figure out, you know? But eventually you get everything figured out, and then it’s all good.”

“Take it from someone who’s been there,” added Owen, placing a supportive hand on the shoulder of the man three years his junior.

As he offered his vast, seemingly limitless insight into the ways of the world, Owen reportedly advised the wide-eyed 24-year-old not to get too down on himself about the mistakes he’s made or the difficulties he currently faces, assuring Paige that it’s natural for someone to take a few wrong turns at such an impressionable young age.

The enlightened Owen, a 2008 college graduate, also said that while it may be hard for Paige to see the bigger picture right now, he’ll soon mature and begin to gain a broader perspective on things.

“Look at it this way—a guy your age is standing at the beginning of a long journey, and sometimes it’s hard to see where you’re going,” said Owen, who has held a salaried position as a marketing associate at Duluth’s RGM Partners for the past 18 months. “But when you’ve reached the end of that journey, as I have, you look back and realize just how naïve you once were.”

“The fact is, you’re still very young,” the prudent and world-wise 27-year-old continued, “and you still have a few years left to find your way.”

Owen went on to say that sometimes you just have to be patient and let life take its course. He explained that for him, the pieces of the puzzle all fell into place “back in 2011,” when he landed his first full-time job. At that moment, he said, “everything kind of clicked” for him in terms of his career, his long-term personal goals, and his broader purpose in life.

“I know you’re looking at me right now and thinking, ‘I’m never going to get to where he is,’” said Owen, who lives downtown in a two-bedroom apartment he shares with a roommate. “But you will. I was once anxious and young like you are, and look how things worked out for me.”

“You’ll get there, bud,” added the man born in 1986.

Owen then chuckled, sources said, and admitted that he wished someone had told him all these things back when he was just starting out.

Although he acknowledged he had not asked Owen for advice, Paige told reporters he was incredibly grateful the 27-year-old had taken the time to speak with him.

“I wasn’t expecting it at all, but I’m really glad Matt pulled me aside and shared some of his thoughts with me,” the 24-year-old said. “It’s nice to hear from someone who’s been through a lot of the things I’m going through now, and to see how he’s turned out. It’s really helped me to think more clearly about my own future.”

Added Paige, “When I look at him, I realize that if I’m not careful I could turn into some kind of huge condescending prick in just three years.”

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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