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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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24-Year-Old Receives Sage Counsel From Venerable 27-Year-Old

DULUTH, MN—Generously bestowing the kind of wisdom that only comes with age, worldly and venerable 27-year-old Matthew Owen took the time last night to offer his enlightened counsel to 24-year-old family friend Dennis Paige, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Paige, who since graduating from the University of Minnesota in 2011 has struggled to find a full-time job or commit himself to any long-term plan, was reportedly taken aside by Owen for a candid one-on-one talk during which the elder man imparted just a sampling of the profound knowledge he’s amassed from nearly five years in the real world.

“Listen, I remember feeling the same way when I was in my mid-20s,” said the 27-year-old, drawing upon his abundant wealth of life experience. “Believe me, when I was your age, I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do either. Life is just something that takes a little while to figure out, you know? But eventually you get everything figured out, and then it’s all good.”

“Take it from someone who’s been there,” added Owen, placing a supportive hand on the shoulder of the man three years his junior.

As he offered his vast, seemingly limitless insight into the ways of the world, Owen reportedly advised the wide-eyed 24-year-old not to get too down on himself about the mistakes he’s made or the difficulties he currently faces, assuring Paige that it’s natural for someone to take a few wrong turns at such an impressionable young age.

The enlightened Owen, a 2008 college graduate, also said that while it may be hard for Paige to see the bigger picture right now, he’ll soon mature and begin to gain a broader perspective on things.

“Look at it this way—a guy your age is standing at the beginning of a long journey, and sometimes it’s hard to see where you’re going,” said Owen, who has held a salaried position as a marketing associate at Duluth’s RGM Partners for the past 18 months. “But when you’ve reached the end of that journey, as I have, you look back and realize just how naïve you once were.”

“The fact is, you’re still very young,” the prudent and world-wise 27-year-old continued, “and you still have a few years left to find your way.”

Owen went on to say that sometimes you just have to be patient and let life take its course. He explained that for him, the pieces of the puzzle all fell into place “back in 2011,” when he landed his first full-time job. At that moment, he said, “everything kind of clicked” for him in terms of his career, his long-term personal goals, and his broader purpose in life.

“I know you’re looking at me right now and thinking, ‘I’m never going to get to where he is,’” said Owen, who lives downtown in a two-bedroom apartment he shares with a roommate. “But you will. I was once anxious and young like you are, and look how things worked out for me.”

“You’ll get there, bud,” added the man born in 1986.

Owen then chuckled, sources said, and admitted that he wished someone had told him all these things back when he was just starting out.

Although he acknowledged he had not asked Owen for advice, Paige told reporters he was incredibly grateful the 27-year-old had taken the time to speak with him.

“I wasn’t expecting it at all, but I’m really glad Matt pulled me aside and shared some of his thoughts with me,” the 24-year-old said. “It’s nice to hear from someone who’s been through a lot of the things I’m going through now, and to see how he’s turned out. It’s really helped me to think more clearly about my own future.”

Added Paige, “When I look at him, I realize that if I’m not careful I could turn into some kind of huge condescending prick in just three years.”

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

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