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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

240 Killed In Stampede After Bucketful Of Oscars Just Dumped On Stage

LOS ANGELES—In one of the most devastating tragedies in the history of the Academy Awards, 240 attendees were killed in a deadly stampede at Hollywood’s Dolby Theater Sunday after a bucketful of Oscars was just dumped onto the stage, triggering a frenzied rush for the statuettes by every audience member in attendance.

According to eyewitness accounts, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Howard Koch carried a large plastic tub filled with Academy Awards to the center of the stage halfway through the ceremony and wordlessly overturned the container, sending 120 of the highly prized trophies tumbling into a pile on the floor and causing screaming audience members to abruptly vault from their seats and charge toward the stage to reach the scattered Oscars.

Sources confirmed that over 1,000 guests suffered serious injuries from the stampede of actors, directors, producers, screenwriters, makeup artists, costume designers, dates, and cinematographers.

“There was this moment or two of eerie silence right after he dumped out the Oscars, and then all hell broke loose,” said actor Mark Ruffalo, bleeding profusely from a head wound and wincing in pain from an apparent dislocated shoulder. “Christ, people just went crazy while scrambling to get those trophies. I saw people out there—people I’ve worked with and know well—do terrible things. Just terrible things.”

“I’m lucky to be alive,” Ruffalo added. “And lucky that I was able to get out of there with an Oscar for Best Production Design, too.”

Early reports have confirmed that Jack Nicholson, Amy Adams, George Clooney, Kate Winslet, Michael Douglas, Charlize Theron, Brave lead animator Austin Madison, Tom Wilkinson, and Jake Gyllenhaal were killed in the stampede of Hollywood elite.

Mangled bodies believed to be those of Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Tim Burton, Paul Giamatti, Rob Reiner, Helen Mirren, Ang Lee, and numerous others were also found but could not be positively identified at press time.

While most of the fatalities were allegedly accidental, several eyewitnesses informed reporters that Sissy Spacek was, in fact, murdered. Sources confirmed that Spacek attempted to escape the bedlam with an Oscar in hand, but was cornered by the cast of Les Misérables and viciously beaten to death.

“No one was innocent tonight; everybody out there was storming that stage like their lives depended on it,” said security guard Chris Brooks, who watched helplessly as his coworkers were overwhelmed by a rush of starlets blindly searching for the nearest statuette. “The sounds of bones snapping in half and bloodcurdling screeches will definitely haunt me for the rest of my life.”

“At one point, I turned around and saw Ron Howard, with this wild look in his eyes, strangling Lauren Bacall,” Brooks continued. “He was covered in blood and daring people to come at him. It’s an image I’ll never forget.”

Emergency medical responders who arrived at the traumatic scene said they were stunned not only by the sheer number of deceased A-list celebrities strewn about the auditorium, but also by the degree of emotional trauma suffered by those survivors who were unable to claim one of the free Oscars.

“Some of them came so close but just didn’t quite make it,” said paramedic Virginia Cox of the televised event, which early reports are indicating was the most watched Oscars telecast in history. “Remember, many of these people had to trample beloved co-stars and crew members in order to reach the front of that stage, so to end the night empty-handed was doubly tragic for them.”

At press time, acclaimed director Steven Spielberg was reportedly last seen exiting the theater, struggling to carry approximately 57 Oscars in his arms.

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