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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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240 Killed In Stampede After Bucketful Of Oscars Just Dumped On Stage

LOS ANGELES—In one of the most devastating tragedies in the history of the Academy Awards, 240 attendees were killed in a deadly stampede at Hollywood’s Dolby Theater Sunday after a bucketful of Oscars was just dumped onto the stage, triggering a frenzied rush for the statuettes by every audience member in attendance.

According to eyewitness accounts, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences President Howard Koch carried a large plastic tub filled with Academy Awards to the center of the stage halfway through the ceremony and wordlessly overturned the container, sending 120 of the highly prized trophies tumbling into a pile on the floor and causing screaming audience members to abruptly vault from their seats and charge toward the stage to reach the scattered Oscars.

Sources confirmed that over 1,000 guests suffered serious injuries from the stampede of actors, directors, producers, screenwriters, makeup artists, costume designers, dates, and cinematographers.

“There was this moment or two of eerie silence right after he dumped out the Oscars, and then all hell broke loose,” said actor Mark Ruffalo, bleeding profusely from a head wound and wincing in pain from an apparent dislocated shoulder. “Christ, people just went crazy while scrambling to get those trophies. I saw people out there—people I’ve worked with and know well—do terrible things. Just terrible things.”

“I’m lucky to be alive,” Ruffalo added. “And lucky that I was able to get out of there with an Oscar for Best Production Design, too.”

Early reports have confirmed that Jack Nicholson, Amy Adams, George Clooney, Kate Winslet, Michael Douglas, Charlize Theron, Brave lead animator Austin Madison, Tom Wilkinson, and Jake Gyllenhaal were killed in the stampede of Hollywood elite.

Mangled bodies believed to be those of Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Tim Burton, Paul Giamatti, Rob Reiner, Helen Mirren, Ang Lee, and numerous others were also found but could not be positively identified at press time.

While most of the fatalities were allegedly accidental, several eyewitnesses informed reporters that Sissy Spacek was, in fact, murdered. Sources confirmed that Spacek attempted to escape the bedlam with an Oscar in hand, but was cornered by the cast of Les Misérables and viciously beaten to death.

“No one was innocent tonight; everybody out there was storming that stage like their lives depended on it,” said security guard Chris Brooks, who watched helplessly as his coworkers were overwhelmed by a rush of starlets blindly searching for the nearest statuette. “The sounds of bones snapping in half and bloodcurdling screeches will definitely haunt me for the rest of my life.”

“At one point, I turned around and saw Ron Howard, with this wild look in his eyes, strangling Lauren Bacall,” Brooks continued. “He was covered in blood and daring people to come at him. It’s an image I’ll never forget.”

Emergency medical responders who arrived at the traumatic scene said they were stunned not only by the sheer number of deceased A-list celebrities strewn about the auditorium, but also by the degree of emotional trauma suffered by those survivors who were unable to claim one of the free Oscars.

“Some of them came so close but just didn’t quite make it,” said paramedic Virginia Cox of the televised event, which early reports are indicating was the most watched Oscars telecast in history. “Remember, many of these people had to trample beloved co-stars and crew members in order to reach the front of that stage, so to end the night empty-handed was doubly tragic for them.”

At press time, acclaimed director Steven Spielberg was reportedly last seen exiting the theater, struggling to carry approximately 57 Oscars in his arms.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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