BRISTOL, CT—Approaching the second half of her twenties with a college degree, a full-time job, and a wide circle of friends, local woman Amanda Lasky’s main goal in life still remains being a popular high school student, sources close to the 25-year-old confirmed.
Lasky, who lives in an apartment and earns $50,000 a year, reportedly hopes to one day be the prettiest and coolest girl at Bristol Regional High—a 2,500-student public secondary school she attended from 2002 until 2006.
“Sure, I’d love to hang out this weekend” is a thought that often goes through Lasky’s head as she sits at work and imagines a future in which she is a well-liked high school sophomore with a busy social life. “You guys could come here, or I could meet you wherever. I can also give people rides if they need it.”
“Just don’t invite too many people, though,” continued Lasky, who is as committed to being a popular high school student now as she was when she was 14. “It should only be us for now.”
According to reports, Lasky’s five-year plan consists of getting a promotion at work, having a serious relationship, and, most importantly, being a well-liked teenager whose locker is the one everyone hangs out at between class periods. In addition to being recognized in the hallway by Matt Schultz, Josh Dumont, and other members of the football team who played their last game together in 2005, Lasky dreams of one day receiving praise from fellow high school girls on her fashion, hair, and weight.
Moreover, the woman who completed high school nearly 10 years ago said that she is determined to be a high school student who impresses Jackie and Taylor with her clear skin and flat stomach, which Lasky’s been working on every morning before her full-time job in the hopes of one day being invited to go shopping or hang out after school.
“Oh wow! You look so cute today!” Andrea Lowden, a popular member of the student council told Lasky in one of many cherished encounters that the 25-year-old is hoping to have one day. “That color is great on you. I definitely want one of those, but I can never find them for some reason. Probably because they’re sold out.”
“You’ll probably win Best Dressed,” Lowden added before asking Lasky—a grown woman currently emailing her adult coworkers about an upcoming meeting—if she wanted to hang out the next day. “How are you getting to Mark’s on Saturday? I think he likes you.”
While aspiring to eventually be on Homecoming Court and having a life where she can focus on balancing cheerleading with being chair of the prom committee, Lasky acknowledged that she wants to date one of three people: J.D. Cronin, captain of the JV baseball team who just got his driver’s license; Luke Matthews, a senior who would probably go out with Lasky, especially since he went out with Amanda Jefferies; or Kyle Hodge, who Lasky thinks is “really cute” and “super funny” in English class when he makes fun of Mr. Green.
Reports confirm Lasky is currently dating 26-year-old Paul Conover.
“Maybe instead of going to prom in a limo we can just drive and meet people there,” Lasky, who lost her virginity at a college party six years ago, said during an imaginary conservation with a teenage boy she hoped to have sex with for the first time. “I know it’s not quite what you had in mind, but I think it’ll be really fun. Then afterwards we can just drive straight to Jesse’s parents’ lake house.”
“Trust me, it’ll be really fun,” added Lasky, who was currently booking tickets for an old college friend’s wedding. “I really want to do this with you.”
At press time, Lasky was eating a salad during her lunch break because that’s what Jackie and Taylor usually eat.