Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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26-Year-Old Feeling Self-Conscious After Seeing All His Friends Fail Slightly Less Than Him

NEW YORK—Saying it was hard not to unfavorably compare himself to his peers, part-time catering assistant Ian Presser, 26, told reporters Thursday that he feels self-conscious after always seeing his friends fail slightly less than him. “When everyone in my social circle is making $1.50 an hour more than me and lasting six months at their jobs before getting fired, I can’t help feeling like I don’t stack up,” said Presser, adding that his friends’ total ineptitude at maintaining healthy relationships makes him acutely aware of his inability to land a single date. “Am I happy for them? Sure. But it still really stings when I hear that my buddy is pulling in 28 G’s and living in a one-bedroom with only two other roommates. It’s like, ‘What am I doing wrong?’” Presser went on to say that he at least took some solace in the fact that he lasted a semester longer than his brother before dropping out of college.

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