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Family’s Euphemism For Genitals Really Weird

‘They Call Them Dinkies,’ Sources Say

HYANNIS, MA—Following dinner at the home of Stan and Linda Paulson and their three children, alarmed houseguest Brendan Murphy told reporters Wednesday that the local family’s preferred euphemism for human genitalia is apparently the word ...

Supreme Court Overturns Car

WASHINGTON, DC—The Supreme Court overturned a 1978 Ford Pinto Sunday, ending the car's "wheels on the ground" position.

Black Guy Asks Nation For Change

CHICAGO—Some residents reported seeing the black guy waving wildly and quoting from the Bible, while others said they spotted him shouting about global warming.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.
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26-Year-Old Feeling Self-Conscious After Seeing All His Friends Fail Slightly Less Than Him

NEW YORK—Saying it was hard not to unfavorably compare himself to his peers, part-time catering assistant Ian Presser, 26, told reporters Thursday that he feels self-conscious after always seeing his friends fail slightly less than him. “When everyone in my social circle is making $1.50 an hour more than me and lasting six months at their jobs before getting fired, I can’t help feeling like I don’t stack up,” said Presser, adding that his friends’ total ineptitude at maintaining healthy relationships makes him acutely aware of his inability to land a single date. “Am I happy for them? Sure. But it still really stings when I hear that my buddy is pulling in 28 G’s and living in a one-bedroom with only two other roommates. It’s like, ‘What am I doing wrong?’” Presser went on to say that he at least took some solace in the fact that he lasted a semester longer than his brother before dropping out of college.

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