26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

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PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

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DURHAM, NC—Noting he had been caught off-guard by the question on first dates in the past, area 32-year-old Logan Firks told reporters Monday he is confident he will be ready to answer this time if the woman he is meeting for dinner asks about his s...

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Horrified Man Looks On Powerlessly As He Ruins Date

DAYTON, OH—What was intended as a routine first date went horribly awry Tuesday night as local man Kevin Parker, 29, could do little more than stand by and watch himself ruin his chances with 28-year-old Vanessa Carmine.

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Bartender Hurt By Unfinished Drink

DENVER—Eddie Meagher, a bartender at Madhatter's Pub, reported that he was "deeply hurt" by an unfinished Long Island Ice Tea left behind by one of his patrons Monday. "I made that drink especially for him," said a visibly disappointed Meagher. "Why would he leave almost a third of it sitting there? If something was wrong with it, he should've told me so. Then I could fix it." According to coworkers, Meagher hasn't been this upset since a patron thoughtlessly vomited four meticulously crafted Cosmos onto the street in front of the bar last Thursday.

First Date In Six Months To Be Last Date In Six Years

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Shy Friend Experimenting With Personality

DUBUQUE, IA—Bashful Clark College sophomore Mandy Schumacher, 20, has spent the last month unsuccessfully trying to forge a personality from scratch, friends of Schumacher said Monday. "She's been introverted for so long that she just doesn't have a clue how to present herself to the world," Schumacher's roommate Krista Vezmer said. "One day she's, like, expounding on the modern ramifications of the Civil War, and the next, she's dancing on tables at Noonan's during Happy Hour." Vezmer added that she thinks Schumacher should stick with mousy.

Lawyer Friend Makes Strong Case For Nachos

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Blind Date Pronounces Every Syllable Of Word 'Comfortable'

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Frequent Flyer Knows Out-Of-The-Way Airport Bar That's Never Crowded

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WEST LAFAYETTE, IN—Deborah Raskin, 20, became angry Saturday when boyfriend Kris Barros failed to become jealous over her dancing with another guy. "She was being all quiet and staring at the wall, and she wouldn't tell me what it was all about," Barros said shortly after leaving the party. "Finally, I realized, shit, I was supposed to get all mad and make some big scene because she danced with that one dude before." Barros promised Raskin that he would make more of an effort to be jealous in the future.

Hotel Bar Really Hopping Tonight, Says Hotel Bartender

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—According to George Fontana, the Grand Rapids Hilton's Tiki Town bar and lounge is "really hopping tonight," the 46-year-old hotel bartender reported Monday. "Usually, Mondays are pretty slow around here," Fontana said. "But it's been non-stop since about 10. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why. I'd say it was the dental-supply convention, but most of those fellas are staying over at the Radisson." Fontana added that if the rush keeps up, he may have to unlock the supply closet to get a fresh box of olive picks.

Cocktail Party Gets As Wild As It's Going To Get

PROVIDENCE, RI— A cocktail party at the home of art curator Martin Conroy was already as wild as it was going to get by 8 p.m. Monday. "Oh, my goodness, look at Ted," said Marisa Pulsipher, spotting fellow partygoer Ted Kannell doing his impersonation of Boston Symphony conductor Seiji Ozawa. "He is just irrepressible." The party almost got wilder when Conroy pondered breaking out a bottle of Loch Morar 30-year-old single-malt scotch, but he ultimately decided not to.

83-Year-Old Sneaks Into 65-To-80 Singles Dance

APPLETON, WI—Claude Winters, 83, falsified his age Saturday to gain admission to a dance for singles aged 65 to 80 at the Appleton VFW. "The girls at the over-80 dances are so old-fashioned," said Winters, eyeing a shapely 68-year-old widow across the dance floor. "When I go produce shopping, I want my vegetables, you know, fresh." Winters stressed he is not "some cradle-robbing pervert looking for pre-menopausal women."

Attempts Made To Enjoy Sake

ST. PAUL, MN–Determined to gain an appreciation for the fermented Japanese rice drink, Chris Gibson and girlfriend Valerie Estes made a fourth attempt to enjoy sake Saturday.

I'm A Dinner-Party Animal

Whoo-hoo! It's Friday night, people! Time to shake off the week, crack open a carafe of Zinfandel, get my hands in the canapés, and let loose. It's dinner-party time!

Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers

SUFFOLK, VA– Having secured a date for the first time in seven months, area resident Andrew Agee removed his dating boxers from the bottom of his dresser. "No tighty-whities for me tonight," said Agee, taking off a pair of dingy Fruit Of The Loom briefs and slipping on the blue Calvin Klein boxers with a small, understated white "CK" logo near the bottom of the right leg. "A girl might actually see me in my underwear." Agee added that if the date goes well and future encounters with the woman seem likely, he will purchase a three-pack of boxers.

Man Carefully Selects T-Shirt For Night Out

WILMINGTON, NC–After nearly half an hour of trying on different T-shirts, Wilmington resident Larry Goltz finally settled on a black Peterbilt Trucks shirt for a night on the town Saturday. "I was going to wear my Blockbuster Video T-shirt, but it's white, and I wanted something a little nicer for a Saturday night. Plus, I wore that one when we went bowling Tuesday," Goltz said. "I was also thinking about my plain red one, but for some reason, I was in the mood to wear something with writing on it. And I like the way the Peterbilt logo on the chest draws attention away from my belly." Goltz said he is "99 percent sure" he made the right choice.

Cocktail-Party Guest Cornered By Joel Stein

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Lone Man With Six-Pack 'Partying'

TUCSON, AZ—A party is reportedly underway at 2614 Arcadia Ave., where homeowner Glen Schlatter and no one else is enjoying a six-pack of Olympia Beer. "Yeah, I'm just out here partying," Schlatter told a friend over the phone. "You oughta come down here and join in, it's a real good time." Schlatter, well-known for throwing extremely intimate affairs on weekends, is reportedly considering a whiskey purchase, which would enable him to elevate his partying status to "hearty."

Area Man Lies Awake At Night Worrying About Toner Cartridges

SECAUCUS, NJ—For the third night in a row, office manager Kenneth Browning lay awake until 4 a.m. Monday, thinking about the possibility of a toner-cartridge shortage at Miklewski Law Publishing Company. "God, if the Tuesday shipment is delayed for some reason, that could cause a real fiasco up on the third floor, especially if the proofing department's copier machine is running low, too," Browning thought near the 2 a.m. mark of the almost-sleepless night. "I should have checked the first-floor supply cabinets on Friday, just to set my mind at ease." Two hours later, his fully conscious toner-cartridge-related thoughts faded into dreams of tiny toner cartridges growing legs and scurrying away as Browning tried to grab them.

New Bar To Feature 'Sports' Theme

PITTSBURGH—Area entrepreneur Andrew Wallensky is keeping his fingers crossed after Monday's opening of "Bleachers," a bold new bar centered around the highly conceptual theme of sports. Decorated with helmets, posters and pennants of such Pittsburgh-area teams as the Penguins, Pirates and Steelers, the new bar is designed to attract those who might enjoy drinking and socializing in an atmosphere infused with the spirit of professional athletics. "What I've tried to do here is merge the fields of drinking and sports in a single place, a 'sports-bar,' if you will," Wallensky said. "My future is in God's hands now." For hours after the bar opened, beer-bellied sports fans could be seen tentatively peering into the windows of the strange new establishment, though none were brave enough to step inside.
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26-Year-Old To See Every Asshole He Ever Went To High School With On Night Before Thanksgiving

McCabe at the 2007 Night Before Thanksgiving Marshall High School Asshole Reunion.
McCabe at the 2007 Night Before Thanksgiving Marshall High School Asshole Reunion.

NEW YORK—For the fifth straight year, Jordan McCabe will return home for the holidays and spend the night before Thanksgiving running into every smug and unlikable asshole he ever went to high school with, the 26-year-old reported Monday.

The trip back home, scheduled for later this week, will reportedly bring McCabe face-to-face with an endless string of pricks from his past, each of whom he will have to engage in awkward conversation, and generally pretend to be happy about seeing again.

"They're all going to be there," said McCabe, purchasing an Amtrak train ticket for Rochester, NY. "Every last one of them, just as shitty and conceited and phony as ever."

"I can't believe I'm going to see all those assholes again," McCabe continued.

Though he will initially intend to stay at home with his parents, grandparents, and other relatives, McCabe told reporters that after spending approximately five hours in their company, he will grow antsy, borrow his father's car, and drive to nearby Marleybone Pub. There, McCabe expects to bump into at least five insufferable assholes in the first three minutes.

"Guaranteed Ricky Cook will be there," said McCabe, adding that there isn't much else to do in his hometown. "And probably Vanessa Torres, and that dickhead Michael Schmidt. Yeah, Schimdt will definitely be there. Probably be hammered, too."

At Marleybone, McCabe will be required to partake in a number of unpleasant activities, including making small talk with several assholes who used to openly mock him during high school, and reminiscing about the "good old days" of which he was never a part. While the consumption of alcohol will initially make the evening more tolerable, McCabe is ultimately expected to leave the bar after realizing he has just as little in common with all these assholes as he did when he was 15.

"Katie Reynolds will probably come up and give me a big hug like we're the best of friends, even though she never once talked to me during school, and pretty much acted like I was invisible the whole time," McCabe said. "Boy, I can't wait to hug that bitch again."

After leaving Marleybone, the 26-year-old predicts he will patronize Bud Murphy's Tavern, a favorite haunt for locals, where an even greater number of assholes are expected to congregate in even higher densities.

Assholes such as Craig Horble, Kyle Davis, Vinny Iagosa, Brittany Pipitone, Justin Smigowski, Nick Casey, and Nick's asshole brother, Dennis.

According to McCabe, all the assholes in attendance will look the same except for being 10 to 20 pounds heavier, and possibly sporting a new beard or goatee. However, that same old shit-eating grin will still be on all their faces, McCabe reported.

If previous years are any indication, assholes who live in the area will not be the only ones out the night before Thanksgiving. Like McCabe, who since graduation has moved to New York, many Marshall High School alumni are expected to return from their new homes all across the country.

"I bet Bill Harding is going to show up and talk about his big lawyer job in San Francisco," McCabe said. "I can see it now: 'You know, hours are a real bitch. Money's good, though.' I've known that guy since fifth grade. He's always been an asshole."

Early reports indicate that the mingling of assholes will likely trigger a fight between the hours of 1 a.m. and 2 a.m., with a scuffle expected moments after two giant assholes argue over who rushed for more touchdowns during senior year. McCabe said that he usually tries to avoid any involvement in these fights, but nonetheless anticipates an elbow to his forehead or at the very least a spilled drink on his pants.

"[Wayne] Maldonado just loves to run his mouth, especially when it comes to talking shit about people's girlfriends," McCabe continued. "He used to be kind of scary when we were all in school, but the guy is almost 30 now. I feel kind of bad for him."

Though he remains anxious about the inevitable fracas, McCabe explained that those experiences are usually counterbalanced with more pleasurable events, such as finding out which assholes now have kids.

"I heard Marissa Feely got knocked up this year," he said. "What is that? The third time?"

The 26-year-old is not the only one dreading the upcoming week. Several Marshall High School alumni have expressed similar misgivings about running into former classmates on the night before Thanksgiving.

"I can't believe McCabe is coming back," said local resident Ricky Cook. "That guy's such a fuckin' asshole."