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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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283 Children Killed In Minor League Baseball Team's 'Kill Your Children' Promotion

ST. PAUL, MN—Front-office officials for the popular minor-league St. Paul Saints baseball team called their decision to name Monday "Kill Your Children Night" an "egregious mistake" and "a rousing attendance success" after Twin Cities families took advantage of the team's offer to take $5 off adult ticket prices for every child they kill in the parking lot. "After all the crazy promotions we at the Saints have held over the years, we know one thing for certain: People will do anything for cheap baseball tickets," Saints marketing manager Bill Silberklang said. "We expected one or two infanticides, sure, but this… This may be the worst thing to happen in quirky baseball promotion since Disco Demolition Night." Team officials have apologized to the community for encouraging them to murder their children, and said that the attendance record set that same night would forever be marked with an asterisk in the team's media guide.

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