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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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29-Year-Old Has Been Going To Different Friend's Wedding Every Weekend For Past 3 Years

STAMFORD, CT—Speaking with reporters Friday after picking up his suit from the dry cleaners, 29-year-old Jeremy Wallace confirmed that he has spent every weekend for the past three years attending a different friend’s wedding. “There was Amy’s wedding last week, Tara’s the week before, and Eric’s before that, and I’m just about to head out to my friend Sam’s rehearsal dinner tonight,” said the man who has for each of the past 156 weekends packed a bag and traveled to friends’ weddings all across the country and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. “I was thinking about skipping Josh’s in July because it’s a five-hour trek up to Vermont, but we were pretty good friends in college. Plus, if I missed his wedding, it would be weird when I see him at Devin’s and Luke’s weddings later that month.” Wallace said he was looking forward to an upcoming wedding-free weekend in early October during which time he’s scheduled to attend three separate bachelor parties.

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