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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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29-Year-Old Has Been Going To Different Friend's Wedding Every Weekend For Past 3 Years

STAMFORD, CT—Speaking with reporters Friday after picking up his suit from the dry cleaners, 29-year-old Jeremy Wallace confirmed that he has spent every weekend for the past three years attending a different friend’s wedding. “There was Amy’s wedding last week, Tara’s the week before, and Eric’s before that, and I’m just about to head out to my friend Sam’s rehearsal dinner tonight,” said the man who has for each of the past 156 weekends packed a bag and traveled to friends’ weddings all across the country and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. “I was thinking about skipping Josh’s in July because it’s a five-hour trek up to Vermont, but we were pretty good friends in college. Plus, if I missed his wedding, it would be weird when I see him at Devin’s and Luke’s weddings later that month.” Wallace said he was looking forward to an upcoming wedding-free weekend in early October during which time he’s scheduled to attend three separate bachelor parties.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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