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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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29-Year-Old Has Blast Writing His Will

GALVESTON, TX—Area resident Brian Whitford had "the best friggin' time" writing his will, the 29-year-old disclosed Monday. "That was so awesome, dividing up my DVDs and shit," said Whitford upon completion of the bequest portion. "I even got to give [former college roommate Steve] Krollner a big 'fuck you' by leaving him nothing but that one Phish CD I used to play all the time that he hated." Whitford, who left most of his possessions to members of his family, bequeathed girlfriend Cindy Meijer his prized collection of vintage 1977 McDonaldland glasses.

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