adBlockCheck

3'-By-4' Plot Of Green Space Rejuvenates Neighborhood

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

3'-By-4' Plot Of Green Space Rejuvenates Neighborhood

DETROIT—Notorious for its abandoned buildings, industrial warehouses, and gray, dilapidated roads, Detroit's Warrendale neighborhood was miraculously revitalized this week by the installation of a single, three-by-four-foot plot of green space.

The green space, a rectangular patch of crabgrass located on a busy median divider, has by all accounts turned what was once a rundown community into a thriving, picturesque oasis, filled with charming shops, luxury condominiums, and, for the first time ever, hope.

The Johansens, who just moved to Warrendale, enjoy some outdoor time.

"What we've seen here is amazing," Warrendale Beautification Committee chairman Michael Pulowski said of the $150 city-funded initiative. "Not only do residents feel better about themselves, but our streets are now totally safe, employment is up, and our children's test scores are through the roof. It's hard to believe this is even the same neighborhood anymore."

Warrendale's incredible transformation began early Monday morning when city officials laid down the yard-wide strip of sod. Two days later, dozens of boarded-up businesses were suddenly bustling with customers, and streets once littered with hypodermic needles were instead plastered with colorful murals.

"It all happened so quickly," said resident Jeffrey Huza, who watched the sliver of lawn single-handedly attract tourism, reduce air pollution, and bring a sense of peace and tranquility to the area. "I always knew a little green would do our neighborhood good, but I never thought we'd benefit this much."

"I used to sit all day in the old tire yard getting high with no prospects for any kind of future," Huza continued. "But now that tire yard is a library."

Besides giving children a safe place to play—provided they do so one at a time—the revitalizing green space has also transformed the lives of numerous Warrendale adults.

The green space's impact is evident in Warrendale's sudden, overnight transformation from complete shithole (above) to a charming and desirable place to live (below).

The ideal spot for short evening strolls, relaxing upright reading, and weekend picnics that don't exceed 12 square feet in total area, the new park has completely changed how many feel about their neighborhood.

In fact, dozens of residents who had given up on this once violent and moribund urban wasteland almost as completely as they'd given up on life itself, have recently chosen to put down roots and start families.

"Sitting in the middle of the park, it's like all of the troubles of city life just melt away," said homeowner Samantha Hodge, who every day gazes at the narrow green space between two lanes of traffic and is filled instantly with calm. "A week ago, I was ready to call it quits and never come back. Nowadays, I couldn't imagine living anywhere else."

Local events, including a Shakespeare in the Park production of Romeo And Juliet, a breast cancer–awareness march, an outdoor concert by the London Symphony Orchestra, and a Fourth of July fireworks display are reportedly also scheduled to take place in the new green space.

The towel-sized band of topsoil—to be dedicated as "Warrendale Park" as soon as enough room is found on its grounds to erect a sign—has brought back more than a sense of community. It has also brought back the sound of laughter.

"I didn't recognize it at first, it had been so long since I'd heard it," said Howard Cochrane, a lifelong resident. "But there it was, ringing out like sunshine from that Heller boy who lives down the way. To see him roll his ball back and forth over the same five inches of grass—it filled my tired heart with joy."

Despite the overwhelmingly positive influence of this simple patch of lawn, a number of Warrendale residents have come to regard its popularity as a double-edged sword.

"Everywhere I look now, well-dressed moms are pushing babies in designer strollers, high-end coffee shops are opening their doors, and fancy galleries are replacing old neighborhood bars," said mechanic Kevin Miles, who was evicted from his tenement apartment after his rent tripled almost overnight. "I used to know everyone who lived here, but now it seems like half the people are college kids or vacationing Europeans."

Added Miles: "I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the old decrepit Warrendale."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close