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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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3 Cups Of Coffee Confident They Can Take Man’s Anxiety From Here

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here. “Ryan’s worries about an upcoming work presentation and his generalized unease about where he is in his life did a good job of setting us up this morning, but they can step aside because we’ve got this under control from here on out,” said the combined 36 ounces of medium roast Colombian coffee, claiming it would be no problem at all to sustain Hubbard’s debilitating self-consciousness around his coworkers and keep him continuously on edge without any assistance from his normal range of existential concerns. “Usually his relationship with his girlfriend and his discomfort in social situations does most of the heavy lifting, but with all our sugar and caffeine we’ll have no problem shouldering his constant anxiousness and making sure he’s a nervous wreck for the rest of the workday. We’ve totally got this. And we’ll make him extra high-strung, too, for good measure.” The three mugs of coffee added that while they were happy to keep the man unfocused and ill at ease for the next several hours, they were looking forward to calling it a day at 8 p.m. and turning over Hubbard’s anxiety to a quarter of a bottle of bourbon.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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