Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

3 Cups Of Coffee Confident They Can Take Man’s Anxiety From Here

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here. “Ryan’s worries about an upcoming work presentation and his generalized unease about where he is in his life did a good job of setting us up this morning, but they can step aside because we’ve got this under control from here on out,” said the combined 36 ounces of medium roast Colombian coffee, claiming it would be no problem at all to sustain Hubbard’s debilitating self-consciousness around his coworkers and keep him continuously on edge without any assistance from his normal range of existential concerns. “Usually his relationship with his girlfriend and his discomfort in social situations does most of the heavy lifting, but with all our sugar and caffeine we’ll have no problem shouldering his constant anxiousness and making sure he’s a nervous wreck for the rest of the workday. We’ve totally got this. And we’ll make him extra high-strung, too, for good measure.” The three mugs of coffee added that while they were happy to keep the man unfocused and ill at ease for the next several hours, they were looking forward to calling it a day at 8 p.m. and turning over Hubbard’s anxiety to a quarter of a bottle of bourbon.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.