adBlockCheck

Local

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

3 Cups Of Coffee Confident They Can Take Man’s Anxiety From Here

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here. “Ryan’s worries about an upcoming work presentation and his generalized unease about where he is in his life did a good job of setting us up this morning, but they can step aside because we’ve got this under control from here on out,” said the combined 36 ounces of medium roast Colombian coffee, claiming it would be no problem at all to sustain Hubbard’s debilitating self-consciousness around his coworkers and keep him continuously on edge without any assistance from his normal range of existential concerns. “Usually his relationship with his girlfriend and his discomfort in social situations does most of the heavy lifting, but with all our sugar and caffeine we’ll have no problem shouldering his constant anxiousness and making sure he’s a nervous wreck for the rest of the workday. We’ve totally got this. And we’ll make him extra high-strung, too, for good measure.” The three mugs of coffee added that while they were happy to keep the man unfocused and ill at ease for the next several hours, they were looking forward to calling it a day at 8 p.m. and turning over Hubbard’s anxiety to a quarter of a bottle of bourbon.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close