Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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3 Cups Of Coffee Confident They Can Take Man’s Anxiety From Here

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here. “Ryan’s worries about an upcoming work presentation and his generalized unease about where he is in his life did a good job of setting us up this morning, but they can step aside because we’ve got this under control from here on out,” said the combined 36 ounces of medium roast Colombian coffee, claiming it would be no problem at all to sustain Hubbard’s debilitating self-consciousness around his coworkers and keep him continuously on edge without any assistance from his normal range of existential concerns. “Usually his relationship with his girlfriend and his discomfort in social situations does most of the heavy lifting, but with all our sugar and caffeine we’ll have no problem shouldering his constant anxiousness and making sure he’s a nervous wreck for the rest of the workday. We’ve totally got this. And we’ll make him extra high-strung, too, for good measure.” The three mugs of coffee added that while they were happy to keep the man unfocused and ill at ease for the next several hours, they were looking forward to calling it a day at 8 p.m. and turning over Hubbard’s anxiety to a quarter of a bottle of bourbon.

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