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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news article. Reports have confirmed that, given the hour in the day, it is practically Sunday already, so you can basically consider half the weekend gone, and that between the various errands you have to run, the various things you need to finish up before Tuesday, and the hours you effectively waste doing nothing at all, sources say you’ll only really be enjoying the rest of the weekend in any substantive way for another hour or two tops. In fact, sources are verifying, when you really think about it, you should probably just watch a show on Netflix and get some sleep before heading back to the office because, let’s face it, the weekend is pretty much over at this point, and you know it.

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