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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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3 Dozen Chemical, Emotional Responses Activated By Phrase ‘Pigs In A Blanket’

FLIPPIN, AR—Triggering a range of emotional responses that had lain dormant in his psyche for decades, approximately 35 different chemical processes were reportedly activated in the brain of local man Rob Northcutt upon hearing the phrase “pigs in a blanket” Tuesday. According to accounts, within nanoseconds of recognizing the words and calling to mind the dough-wrapped cocktail wieners, the man’s limbic system simultaneously summoned feelings of hunger, joy, envy, desire, and even, somehow, a deep sense of loss. Additionally, the flood of neurotransmitters and flurry of synaptic activity, which reportedly spanned four areas of Northcutt’s temporal lobe, is said to have conjured up a diverse mixture of tastes, smells, sounds, and memories, including that of late-summer sunlight, the sharp aroma of dijon mustard, the pattern on the dishware at his grandparents’ old house, and the chorus of the song “Where Do You Go” by No Mercy, which was playing at a family wedding in 1997 where pigs in a blanket were served. At press time, Northcutt heard the words “German potato salad,” sparking not a single chemical or emotional response and leaving him feeling completely numb.

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