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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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3 Dozen Chemical, Emotional Responses Activated By Phrase ‘Pigs In A Blanket’

FLIPPIN, AR—Triggering a range of emotional responses that had lain dormant in his psyche for decades, approximately 35 different chemical processes were reportedly activated in the brain of local man Rob Northcutt upon hearing the phrase “pigs in a blanket” Tuesday. According to accounts, within nanoseconds of recognizing the words and calling to mind the dough-wrapped cocktail wieners, the man’s limbic system simultaneously summoned feelings of hunger, joy, envy, desire, and even, somehow, a deep sense of loss. Additionally, the flood of neurotransmitters and flurry of synaptic activity, which reportedly spanned four areas of Northcutt’s temporal lobe, is said to have conjured up a diverse mixture of tastes, smells, sounds, and memories, including that of late-summer sunlight, the sharp aroma of dijon mustard, the pattern on the dishware at his grandparents’ old house, and the chorus of the song “Where Do You Go” by No Mercy, which was playing at a family wedding in 1997 where pigs in a blanket were served. At press time, Northcutt heard the words “German potato salad,” sparking not a single chemical or emotional response and leaving him feeling completely numb.

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