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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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3 Dozen Chemical, Emotional Responses Activated By Phrase ‘Pigs In A Blanket’

FLIPPIN, AR—Triggering a range of emotional responses that had lain dormant in his psyche for decades, approximately 35 different chemical processes were reportedly activated in the brain of local man Rob Northcutt upon hearing the phrase “pigs in a blanket” Tuesday. According to accounts, within nanoseconds of recognizing the words and calling to mind the dough-wrapped cocktail wieners, the man’s limbic system simultaneously summoned feelings of hunger, joy, envy, desire, and even, somehow, a deep sense of loss. Additionally, the flood of neurotransmitters and flurry of synaptic activity, which reportedly spanned four areas of Northcutt’s temporal lobe, is said to have conjured up a diverse mixture of tastes, smells, sounds, and memories, including that of late-summer sunlight, the sharp aroma of dijon mustard, the pattern on the dishware at his grandparents’ old house, and the chorus of the song “Where Do You Go” by No Mercy, which was playing at a family wedding in 1997 where pigs in a blanket were served. At press time, Northcutt heard the words “German potato salad,” sparking not a single chemical or emotional response and leaving him feeling completely numb.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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