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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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3-Foot-Tall Christmas Tree Really Completes Incredibly Depressing Apartment

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Noting that the sad little seasonal addition really seemed to “pull the place together,” local resident Jason Uhlir, 28, was reportedly pleased Tuesday by the way his newly purchased 3-foot-tall Christmas tree completed the unbelievably depressing look of his one-bedroom apartment. “I had this bleak, empty corner between my stained secondhand futon and the slanting bookshelf where I keep my six DVDs, so I thought it might be nice to put a misshapen, pathetically under-decorated Christmas tree there,” said Uhlir, noting how the shabby miniature pine with its two ornaments and single pitifully draped strand of colored lights really “tied together nicely” with the ratty, soiled towel he placed beneath the tree and the nearby blinking internet router and tangle of Ethernet cords in the middle of the floor. “I kind of had my own vibe going on in here with my completely blank, bare walls and oppressive fluorescent overhead lighting, so I didn’t know how a Christmas tree would look. But I have to say that this miserable little decoration and the pile of needles accumulating around it have really put the utterly dispiriting atmosphere of my apartment over the top.” Sources noted that Uhlir’s living room was only one embarrassing, shoddily wrapped Christmas present away from pulling off that hands-down, blow-your-brains-out wretched look.

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