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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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3 Sports Scientists Killed Attempting To Harness X Factor

TULSA, OK—Prompting questions over safety standards in similar laboratories across the country, three sports scientists were reportedly left dead and dozens more injured at the University of Tulsa on Tuesday while attempting to harness the X factor. “We’ve been trying for decades to isolate the elusive X factor in a controlled setting, and in this particular case we were simply calibrating the degree of clutch over various periods of crunch time when everything suddenly went awry,” said Dr. Andrew Solzman, one of just two sports scientists to have survived the accident unscathed, having fled the building as soon as measurements of hustle, toughness, and spark began going off the scales. “Our goal is of course to reverse-engineer the X factor and one day develop a synthesized version available to athletes across the world. But given its many intangibles, the X factor has proven incredibly unpredictable and unstable, and today we unfortunately saw the devastation it could wreak when not handled properly.” In an unconfirmed report, sources also claimed that immediately following the accident, a terrified and completely nude Joe Montana was seen frantically fleeing from the lab wreckage.

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