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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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3 Sports Scientists Killed Attempting To Harness X Factor

TULSA, OK—Prompting questions over safety standards in similar laboratories across the country, three sports scientists were reportedly left dead and dozens more injured at the University of Tulsa on Tuesday while attempting to harness the X factor. “We’ve been trying for decades to isolate the elusive X factor in a controlled setting, and in this particular case we were simply calibrating the degree of clutch over various periods of crunch time when everything suddenly went awry,” said Dr. Andrew Solzman, one of just two sports scientists to have survived the accident unscathed, having fled the building as soon as measurements of hustle, toughness, and spark began going off the scales. “Our goal is of course to reverse-engineer the X factor and one day develop a synthesized version available to athletes across the world. But given its many intangibles, the X factor has proven incredibly unpredictable and unstable, and today we unfortunately saw the devastation it could wreak when not handled properly.” In an unconfirmed report, sources also claimed that immediately following the accident, a terrified and completely nude Joe Montana was seen frantically fleeing from the lab wreckage.

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