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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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3 Sports Scientists Killed Attempting To Harness X Factor

TULSA, OK—Prompting questions over safety standards in similar laboratories across the country, three sports scientists were reportedly left dead and dozens more injured at the University of Tulsa on Tuesday while attempting to harness the X factor. “We’ve been trying for decades to isolate the elusive X factor in a controlled setting, and in this particular case we were simply calibrating the degree of clutch over various periods of crunch time when everything suddenly went awry,” said Dr. Andrew Solzman, one of just two sports scientists to have survived the accident unscathed, having fled the building as soon as measurements of hustle, toughness, and spark began going off the scales. “Our goal is of course to reverse-engineer the X factor and one day develop a synthesized version available to athletes across the world. But given its many intangibles, the X factor has proven incredibly unpredictable and unstable, and today we unfortunately saw the devastation it could wreak when not handled properly.” In an unconfirmed report, sources also claimed that immediately following the accident, a terrified and completely nude Joe Montana was seen frantically fleeing from the lab wreckage.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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