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3 Sports Scientists Killed Attempting To Harness X Factor

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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3 Sports Scientists Killed Attempting To Harness X Factor

TULSA, OK—Prompting questions over safety standards in similar laboratories across the country, three sports scientists were reportedly left dead and dozens more injured at the University of Tulsa on Tuesday while attempting to harness the X factor. “We’ve been trying for decades to isolate the elusive X factor in a controlled setting, and in this particular case we were simply calibrating the degree of clutch over various periods of crunch time when everything suddenly went awry,” said Dr. Andrew Solzman, one of just two sports scientists to have survived the accident unscathed, having fled the building as soon as measurements of hustle, toughness, and spark began going off the scales. “Our goal is of course to reverse-engineer the X factor and one day develop a synthesized version available to athletes across the world. But given its many intangibles, the X factor has proven incredibly unpredictable and unstable, and today we unfortunately saw the devastation it could wreak when not handled properly.” In an unconfirmed report, sources also claimed that immediately following the accident, a terrified and completely nude Joe Montana was seen frantically fleeing from the lab wreckage.

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