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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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30 Miserable Lives Lost In Greyhound Bus Crash

Rescue workers were visibly sickened by the number of hamburger wrappers and soda bottles strewn about the bus.
Rescue workers were visibly sickened by the number of hamburger wrappers and soda bottles strewn about the bus.

ALBANY, NY—In one of the most merciful disasters in recent years, a Greyhound bus traveling from Rochester to Albany, NY skidded into a ditch Tuesday, killing a dozen deadbeat fathers and penniless addicts, and putting nearly 20 more hapless bastards out of their misery.

Four of the degenerate sacks of shit who perished in the accident.

According to Greyhound officials, the fatal crash occurred less than an hour after passengers gathered their pathetic belongings and dragged what little hope they had left onto the despair-soaked bus. Emergency crews called to the scene described the remains of the victims as "slightly more lifeless than they were before the accident."

"This is by far the saddest thing I've ever witnessed," said head rescue worker Charles Rabnett, referring to the sea of fast-food wrappers, losing lottery tickets, and scorched corpses that littered the crash site. "We've done our best to contact family members and loved ones, but so far we've only been able to reach four parole officers and 10 AA sponsors."

Added Rabnett: "Dear God, what a terrible waste of my time."

While officials are still not sure what happened aboard the Albany-bound bus, a number of theories have been posited, including icy roads, low visibility due to fog, and the likelihood that the driver, Ron Jenkins, fell asleep at the wheel after spending a restless night consumed by his failures as a husband.

Police investigators also suspect that the cause of the accident may have been as simple as "these luckless bastards getting shit on by the world one last time."

"Dental records have helped identify only two-thirds of the casualties, as the remaining 10 passengers were discovered to have none of their original teeth left," Albany police chief Henry Goodwin said. "Among those, one is believed to have been a recently disowned teenage mother, the other an elderly widow forced to pawn her favorite necklace in order to purchase a bus ticket, and what appears to be the hollow shells of several middle-aged men."

No survivors were reported following the accident. In addition, initial surveillance of the wreckage seems to indicate that those who managed to pull their world-weary bodies out of the overturned bus, gave up on their wretched existence within minutes. According to paramedics, it is likely that many of the casualties had suffered during the crash, and, if not then, for years earlier.

"Thank heavens nobody made it," said chief paramedic John Thurston, who described the "disturbing smell" at the scene as a combination of gasoline, body odor, Aqua Velva, and relentless disappointment. "For a second there, I was worried I'd actually have to interact with some of these people."

In response to the relative tragedy, Greyhound has agreed to donate $200 worth of rolled quarters and greasy, crumpled dollar bills they had collected as bus fare to a local charity. The casualties of the crash will also be memorialized with a small commemorative plaque that will hang at the Albany station, between an out-of-order vending machine and a set of bathrooms where customers can often be heard weeping.

"It's hard to believe that something like this could even happen," said Albany resident Carl Robinson, who, since losing his home to a fire earlier this month, has been sleeping in the city's dilapidated bus station. "To know that life, no matter how dreadful or hopeless, always has a chance of coming to an end—it's so inspiring."

As of press time, hundreds of men and women had gathered at the site of the fatal accident to mourn the loss of a perfectly good bus.

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