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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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30-Year-Old Factors In Birthday Money

MEDFORD, OR—While calculating his budget Wednesday, Ben Hollis, a 30-year-old man, carefully factored in the birthday money he’ll receive next month as a way to offset a number of expenses, sources confirmed. “I usually get $100 from my parents, and then there’s a $25 check from Aunt Darlene, and another $25 from Aunt Lorrie, so that’s groceries right there,” said the full-grown adult, who then made a mental note to call his grandparents later that week to talk about his birthday plans so that they’ll remember to send their customary $10 bills. “If Uncle Howie sends something, I might only have to pay half of my phone bill. Then I can get the new Tomb Raider game.” Hollis reportedly reassured himself that if the value of the anticipated gifts falls short of expectation, he can spend his own money on his gym membership, but he’d prefer not to.

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