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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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30-Year-Old Factors In Birthday Money

MEDFORD, OR—While calculating his budget Wednesday, Ben Hollis, a 30-year-old man, carefully factored in the birthday money he’ll receive next month as a way to offset a number of expenses, sources confirmed. “I usually get $100 from my parents, and then there’s a $25 check from Aunt Darlene, and another $25 from Aunt Lorrie, so that’s groceries right there,” said the full-grown adult, who then made a mental note to call his grandparents later that week to talk about his birthday plans so that they’ll remember to send their customary $10 bills. “If Uncle Howie sends something, I might only have to pay half of my phone bill. Then I can get the new Tomb Raider game.” Hollis reportedly reassured himself that if the value of the anticipated gifts falls short of expectation, he can spend his own money on his gym membership, but he’d prefer not to.

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