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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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30-Year-Old Factors In Birthday Money

MEDFORD, OR—While calculating his budget Wednesday, Ben Hollis, a 30-year-old man, carefully factored in the birthday money he’ll receive next month as a way to offset a number of expenses, sources confirmed. “I usually get $100 from my parents, and then there’s a $25 check from Aunt Darlene, and another $25 from Aunt Lorrie, so that’s groceries right there,” said the full-grown adult, who then made a mental note to call his grandparents later that week to talk about his birthday plans so that they’ll remember to send their customary $10 bills. “If Uncle Howie sends something, I might only have to pay half of my phone bill. Then I can get the new Tomb Raider game.” Hollis reportedly reassured himself that if the value of the anticipated gifts falls short of expectation, he can spend his own money on his gym membership, but he’d prefer not to.

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