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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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31-Year-Old Now The Only One Of His Friends Who Hasn't Gotten Married, Divorced

AUSTIN, TX—Describing himself as a complete anomaly within his peer group, local 31-year-old Drew Winberg confirmed Tuesday that he is the only one of his friends who has yet to get married and divorced. “Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to find that special person I can fall in love with, pledge my life to, grow apart from, and then break up with before engaging in a bitter and costly legal battle,” said Winberg, lamenting his perpetual role as the token single guy celebrating friends’ over-the-top weddings and then supporting them through their messy divorces. “It seems as though everyone I know is delving back into the dating scene with this new lease on life, and here I am the odd man out.” Winberg consoled himself with the thought that if he married soon, he could still get divorced and find a new girlfriend in time to take her to his friends’ second marriages.

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