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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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34-Year-Old Man May As Well Keep Pursuing Dream At This Point

OMAHA, NE—Admitting he wasn’t really qualified to do much of anything else after all this time, local 34-year-old Ryan Wells told reporters Wednesday that, at this point, he might as well just keep following his dream of someday becoming a successful musician. “It’s definitely too late for me to go back to school, and I’m not going to get an office job or anything like that with the résumé I’ve got, so I figure, why not just stick with what I’ve been doing,” said Wells, adding that he’s okay with his current schedule of rehearsals and occasional late-night gigs and has grown accustomed to living in small apartments anyway, so he didn’t see much of a problem with continuing to strive after his lifelong goal for the indefinite future. “It’s not like anyone really expects anything different from me anymore, either; they all pretty much ask about how the band stuff is going right off the bat when I talk to them. So, I guess I’ll just keep doing this from here on out.” Wells went on to say that he foresees no real issues with his plan to keep following his dreams, provided that his roommate of eight years doesn’t suddenly decide to move out.

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