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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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34-Year-Old Man Wants To Be Professional Bowler When He Grows Up

BRECKSVILLE, OH—Citing his ability to score over 100 points when he is "not even trying all that hard," Bernie Grout, 34, announced yesterday his dream of becoming a professional bowler when he grows up. "Ever since I was 27 and I got my first turkey, I fantasized about eventually pursuing this as a career," said Grout, adding that his love of bowling started when he and his father used to go to the OK Alley to "throw the ol' [bowling] ball around" when he was 26. "Just imagine what I could do if I had my own ball and one of those gloves." Grout plans on patiently working hard over the course of the next decade to lose some muscle mass, grow a solid moustache, and give up on all of his other dreams, so he can one day "compete on the professional level."

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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