adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

347 Locals Identify Slain Prostitute

VERONA, WI—The body of a woman found strangled behind Zurbachen's Truck Stop last week was positively identified as convicted prostitute Sandy Huffman by 347 area residents, police reported Monday. "Ms. Huffman's identity was exhaustively confirmed based on height, eye color, birthmarks, scars, hair color, tattoos, jewelry, and, in three instances, dental work," said a spokesman for the Verona Police Department. No arrests have been made in the case, but police have detained dozens of area shop owners, teachers, realtors, bankers, farmers, church leaders, youth coaches, Boy Scouts, and homemakers for questioning.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close