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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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36-10 Game Analyzed

BRISTOL, CT—Despite the clear dominance the Vikings displayed in their definitive 36-10 week 12 victory over the Bears, ESPN analysts compared the teams' offensive and defensive performances, and scrutinized slow-motion highlights of the game for nearly five minutes during Monday's broadcast of NFL Live. "Overall, Brett Favre seems to be working out much better at quarterback in Minnesota than Jay Cutler is in Chicago," said analyst John Clayton, who used a graphical comparison of Brett Favre's 32 completions and Cutler's 18 to hammer home what was blatantly obvious from the score. "Now, let's take a look at this fourth-quarter touchdown here. With the Vikings up 30-10, look how Adrian Peterson follows his blockers and exploits the hole. Let's watch that one more time." The blowout was also discussed in depth on Monday Night Countdown and SportsCenter and, for reasons that remain unclear, was the subject of at least 12 minutes of discussion on Mike And Mike In The Morning.

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