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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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4 Angels Banished From Heaven For Attempting To Unionize

THE HEAVENS—Describing their behavior as insubordinate and disruptive, heavenly authorities banished four angels from the Kingdom of Eternal Life this week for attempting to unionize, sources from the hereafter reported. “These four hardworking angels are only being punished because they exercised their sacred right to organize and make their ethereal voices heard,” said archangel Jophiel, an advocate for celestial workplace rights who is representing the ousted cherubim and seraphim as they demand greater compensation, limits on the number of divine messages they can be required to deliver without pausing for a break, and a standard retirement age of 5,600. “For eons, it’s been the job of these eternal guardians to watch over every soul on earth, and it’s about time they had someone who watches over them.” At press time, God announced that any angels joining a union will be dismissed for eternity and replaced with strikebreakers called up from purgatory.

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