4 Billion Years Of Evolution Unable To Prevent Area Man From Drooling On Self

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Vol 43 Issue 41

Atlantic City Mayor Resigns

After an absence of nearly two weeks in which his whereabouts were largely unknown, Robert W. Levy, mayor of Atlantic City, NJ, returned to office...

Piping-Hot Calzone Missing

WEST ORANGE, NJ—"It was right here a second ago," said the owner of the sizzling Italian sandwich, which was last seen in the office break room at approximately 1 p.m.

Police Tasers Deemed Safe

A recent independent study determined that Tasers are generally safe in the hands of the police. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

4 Billion Years Of Evolution Unable To Prevent Area Man From Drooling On Self

BRESLAU, NE—Nearly four billion years of biological evolution failed to prevent local man Dale Haynes from accidentally drooling all over his pant leg while sitting in his cubicle Monday.

"This flaw in Mr. Haynes' control of basic motor functions, certainly uncorrected since the dawn of hominids and very possibly before, allowed a strand of spittle to emerge from the oral cavity without producing a single neural response," anthropologist Raymond Hull said. "Perhaps over the next 50 million years, humans will evolve a mechanism to prevent random discharges of saliva from hanging briefly from one's lower lip before pooling onto the crotch area of one's khakis, making it appear as though one has pissed oneself."

Hull noted, however, that Haynes did possess the evolutionary advancements necessary to untuck his shirt and cover the wet spot until it had dried.

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