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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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4 Billion Years Of Evolution Unable To Prevent Area Man From Drooling On Self

BRESLAU, NE—Nearly four billion years of biological evolution failed to prevent local man Dale Haynes from accidentally drooling all over his pant leg while sitting in his cubicle Monday.

"This flaw in Mr. Haynes' control of basic motor functions, certainly uncorrected since the dawn of hominids and very possibly before, allowed a strand of spittle to emerge from the oral cavity without producing a single neural response," anthropologist Raymond Hull said. "Perhaps over the next 50 million years, humans will evolve a mechanism to prevent random discharges of saliva from hanging briefly from one's lower lip before pooling onto the crotch area of one's khakis, making it appear as though one has pissed oneself."

Hull noted, however, that Haynes did possess the evolutionary advancements necessary to untuck his shirt and cover the wet spot until it had dried.

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