adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
End Of Section
  • More News

4 Billion Years Of Evolution Unable To Prevent Area Man From Drooling On Self

BRESLAU, NE—Nearly four billion years of biological evolution failed to prevent local man Dale Haynes from accidentally drooling all over his pant leg while sitting in his cubicle Monday.

"This flaw in Mr. Haynes' control of basic motor functions, certainly uncorrected since the dawn of hominids and very possibly before, allowed a strand of spittle to emerge from the oral cavity without producing a single neural response," anthropologist Raymond Hull said. "Perhaps over the next 50 million years, humans will evolve a mechanism to prevent random discharges of saliva from hanging briefly from one's lower lip before pooling onto the crotch area of one's khakis, making it appear as though one has pissed oneself."

Hull noted, however, that Haynes did possess the evolutionary advancements necessary to untuck his shirt and cover the wet spot until it had dried.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close