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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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4 Hours Scrolling Through Facebook Before Bed Referred To As ‘Winding Down’

TULSA, OK—Saying it felt good to just kick back and decompress after a long day, local woman Kelly Alderman reportedly referred to the four hours she spent scrolling through Facebook before she went to sleep Wednesday as “winding down,” sources confirmed. “As soon as I get home from work, all I want to do is take a load off and relax for a little while,” said Alderman, speaking of the period between 7 and 11 p.m. during which she routinely sits on her couch, makes brief comments on her friends’ status updates, clicks “like” on several dozen posts, and responds almost instantaneously to any and all notifications she receives before eventually closing her laptop and brushing her teeth. “I think it’s important to spend some time every evening [repeatedly clicking through every one of my acquaintances’ most recently uploaded photos of the bars they’re visiting or the weddings they recently attended and then just sit there continuously refreshing my news feed] before I turn in for the night.” Sources added that Alderman refers to the 25 separate times she scans the social media site on her iPhone throughout the workday as “taking a little break.”

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