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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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4 Hours Scrolling Through Facebook Before Bed Referred To As ‘Winding Down’

TULSA, OK—Saying it felt good to just kick back and decompress after a long day, local woman Kelly Alderman reportedly referred to the four hours she spent scrolling through Facebook before she went to sleep Wednesday as “winding down,” sources confirmed. “As soon as I get home from work, all I want to do is take a load off and relax for a little while,” said Alderman, speaking of the period between 7 and 11 p.m. during which she routinely sits on her couch, makes brief comments on her friends’ status updates, clicks “like” on several dozen posts, and responds almost instantaneously to any and all notifications she receives before eventually closing her laptop and brushing her teeth. “I think it’s important to spend some time every evening [repeatedly clicking through every one of my acquaintances’ most recently uploaded photos of the bars they’re visiting or the weddings they recently attended and then just sit there continuously refreshing my news feed] before I turn in for the night.” Sources added that Alderman refers to the 25 separate times she scans the social media site on her iPhone throughout the workday as “taking a little break.”

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