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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

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Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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4 NL Fans Killed In Brutal All-Star Game Riots

NEW YORK—In the deadliest clash to date in the bitter and fierce rivalry, four National League fans were reportedly killed Tuesday when vicious riots erupted at Citi Field following the 2013 MLB All-Star game.

An NYPD spokesperson confirmed that the violent clashes flared up soon after the final out was recorded in the AL All-Stars’ 3-0 win and a group of die-hard American League fans engaged in a savage parking lot brawl against supporters of their hated National League rivals.

“This is a black day for baseball,” said MLB commissioner Bud Selig, condemning the “shameful behavior” of both AL and NL fans that led to one man being stabbed, another trampled and two seemingly bludgeoned to death amid furious and emotional postgame rioting. “The strong passions surrounding the All-Star game are no excuse for lawlessness, much less violence.”

According to NYPD reports, the riots began when several hooligans with AL logo tattoos and jerseys physically assaulted an NL fan who had allegedly shouted several obscenities about designated hitters and called their league’s pitchers “pussies who can’t hit a fucking baseball for shit.”

The brawl reportedly spiraled out of control, as security personnel were helpless to contain hundreds of angry, drunken fans pummeling each other with their fists. The violent mayhem, sources confirmed, quickly escalated and NL and AL devotees resorted to throwing rocks, bottles, and garbage cans.

“The fans hate each other, and of course the players absolutely despise each other, so you expect tempers to run high at this game, but not like this,” said a bleeding Amy Meijer, 37, who barely escaped from a riot scene she described as “horrific.” “This kind of brutality now seems to happen at every single All-Star game. It has to stop.”

In addition to the four deaths, at least 73 people were hospitalized with injuries and 37 were arrested in the clash, which sources confirmed was one of the bloodiest in the history of the bitter AL-NL rivalry and the deadliest since 2007, when the American League’s 5-4 victory set off riots that resulted in two fatalities and San Francisco’s AT&T Park being partially burned to the ground.

“In the end, the blame is with a culture completely dominated by a massive AL-NL rivalry,” said broadcast commentator Tim McCarver, who called the contempt-fueled brutality “a terrible consequence of the excessive hatred many fans bring to this game.” “Now, I come from an NL family, so I understand how beating the AL can sometimes seem like the only thing that really matters. But when a tragedy like this happens, we are reminded that there are more important things than the outcome of the MLB All-Star game.”

“Today, we are more than the National League bumper sticker on our car or the American League flag hanging from our porch,” McCarver added. “Today, we are all baseball fans.”

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