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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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4 Out Of 5 Texas Dentists Advocate The Death Penalty

DALLAS—According to a study released Monday by the Texas Dental Association, four out of five dentists in the Lone Star State advocate the use of capital punishment. "About 80 percent of the dentists surveyed recommend brushing three times daily, regular dental check-ups, and death by lethal injection should a prisoner be found guilty of homicide in a court of law," TDA spokeswoman Stacy Gunderson said. "Simply putting criminals in hard-to-reach places isn't enough of a deterrent. Rinsing the scum out of death row is vital for the long-term health of this state." Gunderson then called for justice, and plenty of all-natural sugar-free snacks, to be served.

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