After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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4-Year-Old Shows New Doll The Ropes

BIRMINGHAM, AL—According to sources, local 4-year-old Annie Platt spent much of Tuesday afternoon showing the ropes to her newest toy, a stuffed rag doll named Lucy. "You have to come to tea time when I say so, and stay away from Jerry the monkey, because he bites," Platt said after familiarizing Lucy with the box of crayons, the beanbag chair, and the play stove, which the new doll is under no circumstances ever allowed to touch. "And remember, I'm in charge here, so I make the rules." Later in the day, Platt reportedly forced Lucy to sit in the corner, allegedly for breaking nap time rules, but many in the playroom felt the toddler was simultaneously trying to establish her dominance over the newcomer while sending a warning to the other toys.

After Birth

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