4-Year-Old Shows New Doll The Ropes

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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

The Pros And Cons Of Helicopter Parenting

The rising trend of “helicopter parenting,” or hovering over a child’s educational, social, extracurricular, and home life, has been praised by some as true dedication to one’s kids and decried by others for potentially smothering a child’s independent development. Here are the pros and cons of helicopter parenting

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.
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4-Year-Old Shows New Doll The Ropes

BIRMINGHAM, AL—According to sources, local 4-year-old Annie Platt spent much of Tuesday afternoon showing the ropes to her newest toy, a stuffed rag doll named Lucy. "You have to come to tea time when I say so, and stay away from Jerry the monkey, because he bites," Platt said after familiarizing Lucy with the box of crayons, the beanbag chair, and the play stove, which the new doll is under no circumstances ever allowed to touch. "And remember, I'm in charge here, so I make the rules." Later in the day, Platt reportedly forced Lucy to sit in the corner, allegedly for breaking nap time rules, but many in the playroom felt the toddler was simultaneously trying to establish her dominance over the newcomer while sending a warning to the other toys.

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