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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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4-Year-Old’s Optimism Just Making Things Worse For Area Family

MARION, AR—Though intended to cheer up family members, the unflagging optimism of 4-year-old Shelby Cooper has served only to exacerbate the financial stress her parents have experienced since her father lost his job two years ago, sources reported Monday. “It used to make me smile when she’d say, ‘Don’t worry! You’ll get a million dollars!’” said Ken Cooper, admitting he has since grown to dread his daughter’s good-luck nose kisses. “But now when she crawls onto my lap and tells me I shouldn’t be sad because I’m the strongest Daddy in the whole world, it just makes me feel like an even bigger failure.” At press time, Shelby was coloring a picture of her mother, who when reached for comment said drawings of her leaving the hospital on a rainbow only made her worry more about how the family would pay for her cancer treatments.

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