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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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40,000 Pounds Of Slave Have Been Lost At Sea

Doleful News has been from Baltimore receiv'd, and that being: Of the WRECK of the Slaver Betsy at Sea, and its entire CARGO of 40,000 Pounds SUNKEN, to the furthest Depths of dread Neptune's hearth, ninety Leagues off Hatteras, on March the 4th. The star-cross'd Frigate took on Water during a Tempest, and despite the attempts of the Crew to jettison the less valuable members of the Hold, so as to lighten the Tonnage in the densely pack'd Hull, the Onrush of the cruel Sea overwhelm'd the valiant Effort.†

A small Solace can be found in the Survival of Capt Wm HARRIS and eight of his Crew, who escap'd the foundered Betsy in the vessel's Long-Boate, and were recover'd, barely alive, by the Privateer Reck-Less. Lost and believed perish'd are First Mate A. Swallow, Purser Minchin, and Bo'sun Harker, and most poignantly, the belov'd Mascot of the Voyage, the Bull Terrier "Punch"; and, noting that their loss does out-weigh that of any material Goodes, we Grieve beside their Familie and Belov'd-Ones.

Word of the Disaster stunn'd Many who had assembl'd in Baltimore Town Green to bid in an Auction of the very Cargo that now lay Use-less on the bottom of the Ocean Atlantic. A Charitable Fund has been establish'd by the Prominent of Baltimore and this very Gazette to assist in the Compensation of the Victims of the Tragedy, crewe-men and Investors a-like, many of whom risk'd the Entirety of their Purses in the Endeavour, and have Families to support during this trying Time.

The Publisher of this News Paper wishes to assure the Publick that the Slavery Trade remains By and Large a gainful One, and this Set Back need only serve as a temporary Nuisance if Gentle Men of Commerce soundly ESCHEW the Impulse to panick. Demand for Bonded Labour has peak'd, and it is widely agreed that, though a minim of up-keep is sadly a Necessity, a Slave is an Excellent Value for the Money, as Divine Providence has seen to it that a Majority are Durable, Water Resistant, an' even Buoyant when not shackl'd, and their Masters derive much serviceable Use from them before their Expiration Dates, soon though many may Be.

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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