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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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40,000 Pounds Of Slave Have Been Lost At Sea

Doleful News has been from Baltimore receiv'd, and that being: Of the WRECK of the Slaver Betsy at Sea, and its entire CARGO of 40,000 Pounds SUNKEN, to the furthest Depths of dread Neptune's hearth, ninety Leagues off Hatteras, on March the 4th. The star-cross'd Frigate took on Water during a Tempest, and despite the attempts of the Crew to jettison the less valuable members of the Hold, so as to lighten the Tonnage in the densely pack'd Hull, the Onrush of the cruel Sea overwhelm'd the valiant Effort.†

A small Solace can be found in the Survival of Capt Wm HARRIS and eight of his Crew, who escap'd the foundered Betsy in the vessel's Long-Boate, and were recover'd, barely alive, by the Privateer Reck-Less. Lost and believed perish'd are First Mate A. Swallow, Purser Minchin, and Bo'sun Harker, and most poignantly, the belov'd Mascot of the Voyage, the Bull Terrier "Punch"; and, noting that their loss does out-weigh that of any material Goodes, we Grieve beside their Familie and Belov'd-Ones.

Word of the Disaster stunn'd Many who had assembl'd in Baltimore Town Green to bid in an Auction of the very Cargo that now lay Use-less on the bottom of the Ocean Atlantic. A Charitable Fund has been establish'd by the Prominent of Baltimore and this very Gazette to assist in the Compensation of the Victims of the Tragedy, crewe-men and Investors a-like, many of whom risk'd the Entirety of their Purses in the Endeavour, and have Families to support during this trying Time.

The Publisher of this News Paper wishes to assure the Publick that the Slavery Trade remains By and Large a gainful One, and this Set Back need only serve as a temporary Nuisance if Gentle Men of Commerce soundly ESCHEW the Impulse to panick. Demand for Bonded Labour has peak'd, and it is widely agreed that, though a minim of up-keep is sadly a Necessity, a Slave is an Excellent Value for the Money, as Divine Providence has seen to it that a Majority are Durable, Water Resistant, an' even Buoyant when not shackl'd, and their Masters derive much serviceable Use from them before their Expiration Dates, soon though many may Be.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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