adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

40,000 Pounds Of Slave Have Been Lost At Sea

Doleful News has been from Baltimore receiv'd, and that being: Of the WRECK of the Slaver Betsy at Sea, and its entire CARGO of 40,000 Pounds SUNKEN, to the furthest Depths of dread Neptune's hearth, ninety Leagues off Hatteras, on March the 4th. The star-cross'd Frigate took on Water during a Tempest, and despite the attempts of the Crew to jettison the less valuable members of the Hold, so as to lighten the Tonnage in the densely pack'd Hull, the Onrush of the cruel Sea overwhelm'd the valiant Effort.†

A small Solace can be found in the Survival of Capt Wm HARRIS and eight of his Crew, who escap'd the foundered Betsy in the vessel's Long-Boate, and were recover'd, barely alive, by the Privateer Reck-Less. Lost and believed perish'd are First Mate A. Swallow, Purser Minchin, and Bo'sun Harker, and most poignantly, the belov'd Mascot of the Voyage, the Bull Terrier "Punch"; and, noting that their loss does out-weigh that of any material Goodes, we Grieve beside their Familie and Belov'd-Ones.

Word of the Disaster stunn'd Many who had assembl'd in Baltimore Town Green to bid in an Auction of the very Cargo that now lay Use-less on the bottom of the Ocean Atlantic. A Charitable Fund has been establish'd by the Prominent of Baltimore and this very Gazette to assist in the Compensation of the Victims of the Tragedy, crewe-men and Investors a-like, many of whom risk'd the Entirety of their Purses in the Endeavour, and have Families to support during this trying Time.

The Publisher of this News Paper wishes to assure the Publick that the Slavery Trade remains By and Large a gainful One, and this Set Back need only serve as a temporary Nuisance if Gentle Men of Commerce soundly ESCHEW the Impulse to panick. Demand for Bonded Labour has peak'd, and it is widely agreed that, though a minim of up-keep is sadly a Necessity, a Slave is an Excellent Value for the Money, as Divine Providence has seen to it that a Majority are Durable, Water Resistant, an' even Buoyant when not shackl'd, and their Masters derive much serviceable Use from them before their Expiration Dates, soon though many may Be.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close