45 Million Gallons Of Crude Blood Lost In Red Cross Pipeline Rupture

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

45 Million Gallons Of Crude Blood Lost In Red Cross Pipeline Rupture

LAS CRUCES, NM—In what is being called the worst blood disaster in U.S. history, the Red Cross’ Western Blood Pipeline ruptured Tuesday evening, spilling 45 million gallons of crude O positive across a three-mile radius. “I’ve never seen anything like this; right now there’s blood up to four feet deep in some places, and it’s beginning to seep into the local water supply,” said Red Cross relief worker Tony Benson, adding that volunteers were needed for the massive effort to clean the blood-soaked wildlife located near the Texas-California pipeline. “Long term we’re looking at hundreds of millions of dollars in cleanup and property damage, but right now the challenge will just be scrambling to make up for the sheer loss of blood.” At press time, authorities warned residents to stay in their homes while helicopters spray the area with anticoagulants.