45 Million Gallons Of Crude Blood Lost In Red Cross Pipeline Rupture

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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45 Million Gallons Of Crude Blood Lost In Red Cross Pipeline Rupture

LAS CRUCES, NM—In what is being called the worst blood disaster in U.S. history, the Red Cross’ Western Blood Pipeline ruptured Tuesday evening, spilling 45 million gallons of crude O positive across a three-mile radius. “I’ve never seen anything like this; right now there’s blood up to four feet deep in some places, and it’s beginning to seep into the local water supply,” said Red Cross relief worker Tony Benson, adding that volunteers were needed for the massive effort to clean the blood-soaked wildlife located near the Texas-California pipeline. “Long term we’re looking at hundreds of millions of dollars in cleanup and property damage, but right now the challenge will just be scrambling to make up for the sheer loss of blood.” At press time, authorities warned residents to stay in their homes while helicopters spray the area with anticoagulants.

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