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45 Million Gallons Of Crude Blood Lost In Red Cross Pipeline Rupture

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

45 Million Gallons Of Crude Blood Lost In Red Cross Pipeline Rupture

LAS CRUCES, NM—In what is being called the worst blood disaster in U.S. history, the Red Cross’ Western Blood Pipeline ruptured Tuesday evening, spilling 45 million gallons of crude O positive across a three-mile radius. “I’ve never seen anything like this; right now there’s blood up to four feet deep in some places, and it’s beginning to seep into the local water supply,” said Red Cross relief worker Tony Benson, adding that volunteers were needed for the massive effort to clean the blood-soaked wildlife located near the Texas-California pipeline. “Long term we’re looking at hundreds of millions of dollars in cleanup and property damage, but right now the challenge will just be scrambling to make up for the sheer loss of blood.” At press time, authorities warned residents to stay in their homes while helicopters spray the area with anticoagulants.

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