adBlockCheck

45 Million Gallons Of Crude Blood Lost In Red Cross Pipeline Rupture

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

45 Million Gallons Of Crude Blood Lost In Red Cross Pipeline Rupture

LAS CRUCES, NM—In what is being called the worst blood disaster in U.S. history, the Red Cross’ Western Blood Pipeline ruptured Tuesday evening, spilling 45 million gallons of crude O positive across a three-mile radius. “I’ve never seen anything like this; right now there’s blood up to four feet deep in some places, and it’s beginning to seep into the local water supply,” said Red Cross relief worker Tony Benson, adding that volunteers were needed for the massive effort to clean the blood-soaked wildlife located near the Texas-California pipeline. “Long term we’re looking at hundreds of millions of dollars in cleanup and property damage, but right now the challenge will just be scrambling to make up for the sheer loss of blood.” At press time, authorities warned residents to stay in their homes while helicopters spray the area with anticoagulants.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close