‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

45-Year-Old Man Self-Conscious, Embarrassed By New, Unexpected Changes His Body Going Through

PAOLI, PA—Worried that people will be staring at him everywhere he went, 45-year-old Harold Brauner was reportedly self-conscious and embarrassed Wednesday by the sudden, unexpected changes his body was going through. “Oh my god, everyone at work is going to think I’m some sort of freak,” said Brauner, who has reportedly felt ashamed and confused ever since turning 45 and beginning to notice himself suddenly filling out and growing hair in strange new places. “I’m sweating all the time, and I just feel so weird and gross. It’s like I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. Wearing loose shirts and sweatpants helps, but then I feel like it’s obvious I’m hiding something. Ugh, why is this happening to me? I hate it! I hate it!” At press time, Brauner was taking some comfort in the fact his friends all seemed to be going through the same unsightly changes.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.