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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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450-Pound Man Didn't Go To Doctor For A Lecture

RED OAK, IA—After his doctor ambushed him Tuesday with suggestions that his weight was becoming a serious health problem, 450-pound local man Dale Carver, 43, reportedly told his physician that he hadn’t come to his appointment for a lecture on how to live. “Look, professor, I didn’t come in here today for a lesson plan, so let’s maybe take it down a notch or two, okay?” said Carver, noting that he was a full-grown adult who had not signed up for a 15-minute sermon on the life-threatening risks of high blood sugar. “With all due respect, I’m not paying you for food recommendations, so if you could just prescribe me something for my high cholesterol and diabetes, that’d be great.” Sources confirmed that after receiving his prescriptions, Carver went outside, walked to his car, and then spent several minutes regaining enough breath to be able to drive home.

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