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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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450-Pound Man Didn't Go To Doctor For A Lecture

RED OAK, IA—After his doctor ambushed him Tuesday with suggestions that his weight was becoming a serious health problem, 450-pound local man Dale Carver, 43, reportedly told his physician that he hadn’t come to his appointment for a lecture on how to live. “Look, professor, I didn’t come in here today for a lesson plan, so let’s maybe take it down a notch or two, okay?” said Carver, noting that he was a full-grown adult who had not signed up for a 15-minute sermon on the life-threatening risks of high blood sugar. “With all due respect, I’m not paying you for food recommendations, so if you could just prescribe me something for my high cholesterol and diabetes, that’d be great.” Sources confirmed that after receiving his prescriptions, Carver went outside, walked to his car, and then spent several minutes regaining enough breath to be able to drive home.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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