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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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48 Syrian Civilians Massacred During Claire Danes' Emmy Award Acceptance Speech

LOS ANGELES—According to sources in the war-torn country, 48 unarmed Syrians in the small town of Daraya were murdered by government forces while Homeland star Claire Danes accepted the award for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series at the 64th annual Primetime Emmy Awards Sunday evening. “This is just an incredible evening, and an incredible honor,” said Danes, proudly holding up her Emmy just as a group of innocent men, women, and children were reportedly thrown against a wall and executed one by one by Syrian troops wielding high-powered assault rifles. “I wouldn’t be up here right now if it wasn’t for the support of my wonderful family—I love you all more than anything—as well as the absolutely amazing writers, cast, and crew of this show. And, of course, Howard Gordon and Alex Gansa, who have the unbelievable courage to put such a fearless and daring show on television. Thank you so much.” At press time, government soldiers were throwing the bloodied corpses of the civilians into a large mass grave as Lena Dunham was anxiously waiting to hear if Girls would win the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series.

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