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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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48-Year-Old Still Unsure What He Wants To Do With His Life

NORTH BELLMORE, NY–Bob Cellini, a 48-year-old North Bellmore postal supervisor, informed coworkers Tuesday that he is still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life.

Postal supervisor Bob Cellini.

"Working for the post office is okay for some people," said Cellini, addressing a trio of letter carriers in the Newbridge Road Postal Station break room. "But I feel like I've got a lot more to offer the world. I just need to find my true calling, so to speak."

Cellini, who has worked at the Newbridge Road branch for seven years, has held 14 jobs since graduating from Nassau Community College in 1974. Among them: a three-year stint at the Farmingdale Post Office, six years as a UPS delivery driver, two years as a teller at Anchor Bank, and 18 months as an office-furniture salesman with Workplace Solutions.

"At Workplace Solutions, I sold a lot of chairs to Davis-Gennaro Advertising, one of Long Island's biggest ad agencies," Cellini said. "I always did well selling to them. I think that's because, just like them, I'm one of those people who's able to think along creative lines. I think I'd do well in advertising. Maybe I could fill out an application next time I'm in the neighborhood."

Other careers Cellini has considered include lawyer, private detective, special-effects artist, used-bookstore owner, pastry chef, sitcom writer, and paramedic.

Cellini said that whatever he winds up doing with his life will undoubtedly incorporate one of his many interests.

"I like tons of different things, and I think one of them will eventually lead to my career," the unmarried Cellini said. "Like, I recently made a spice rack for my kitchen, which got me thinking, 'Hey, and I should start my own woodworking shop!' Other people probably just would have made the spice rack without it ever occurring to them that it could be something more than just a hobby. And these are people who probably have boring jobs they hate. I guess I've just always believed you should follow your passion."

Cellini admitted that his ascent from mail sorter to mailroom supervisor has temporarily sidetracked his search for his ideal career.

"As long as I've been a postal worker, I've been keeping an eye out for something that's more 'me'," Cellini said. "But I kept getting promotions and raises, which makes this job harder to walk away from. Just as soon as I know what I really want to do, though, I'm definitely out of here."

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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