adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

49-Year-Old Nearly Back To Pre-Middle-School Confidence Levels

BELTSVILLE, MD—More than three decades after attending and graduating from High Point Middle School, area 49-year-old Dean Whitaker announced this week that his confidence levels had nearly returned to their pre-junior-high levels. “At this point, my self-image has almost recovered to where it was when I first set foot in Mrs. Currier’s sixth-grade homeroom, and I’m getting close to being able to approach a group of my peers and engage them in conversation without fear they will silently judge me or make fun of me to my face,” Whitaker told reporters, confirming that while he’s “not quite there yet,” he’s optimistic that he will eventually regain the amount of self-assurance he possessed at age 11. “I’ve just about worked through the self-doubt, and hopefully it won’t be too much longer before I can openly discuss the kinds of music I like or people I might be interested in dating. If everything keeps progressing, I think I’m only a few more years away.” Whitaker admitted, however, that he doesn’t ever expect to get back to his second-grade self, explaining that in those days he had actually been capable of experiencing pure, uncomplicated happiness.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close