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49-Year-Old Nearly Back To Pre-Middle-School Confidence Levels

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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49-Year-Old Nearly Back To Pre-Middle-School Confidence Levels

BELTSVILLE, MD—More than three decades after attending and graduating from High Point Middle School, area 49-year-old Dean Whitaker announced this week that his confidence levels had nearly returned to their pre-junior-high levels. “At this point, my self-image has almost recovered to where it was when I first set foot in Mrs. Currier’s sixth-grade homeroom, and I’m getting close to being able to approach a group of my peers and engage them in conversation without fear they will silently judge me or make fun of me to my face,” Whitaker told reporters, confirming that while he’s “not quite there yet,” he’s optimistic that he will eventually regain the amount of self-assurance he possessed at age 11. “I’ve just about worked through the self-doubt, and hopefully it won’t be too much longer before I can openly discuss the kinds of music I like or people I might be interested in dating. If everything keeps progressing, I think I’m only a few more years away.” Whitaker admitted, however, that he doesn’t ever expect to get back to his second-grade self, explaining that in those days he had actually been capable of experiencing pure, uncomplicated happiness.

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