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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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49-Year-Old Nearly Back To Pre-Middle-School Confidence Levels

BELTSVILLE, MD—More than three decades after attending and graduating from High Point Middle School, area 49-year-old Dean Whitaker announced this week that his confidence levels had nearly returned to their pre-junior-high levels. “At this point, my self-image has almost recovered to where it was when I first set foot in Mrs. Currier’s sixth-grade homeroom, and I’m getting close to being able to approach a group of my peers and engage them in conversation without fear they will silently judge me or make fun of me to my face,” Whitaker told reporters, confirming that while he’s “not quite there yet,” he’s optimistic that he will eventually regain the amount of self-assurance he possessed at age 11. “I’ve just about worked through the self-doubt, and hopefully it won’t be too much longer before I can openly discuss the kinds of music I like or people I might be interested in dating. If everything keeps progressing, I think I’m only a few more years away.” Whitaker admitted, however, that he doesn’t ever expect to get back to his second-grade self, explaining that in those days he had actually been capable of experiencing pure, uncomplicated happiness.

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