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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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49ers Front Office Excited For Meeting With Football Player

SAN FRANCISCO—Members of the 49ers front office admitted to frantically cleaning up clutter and rearranging furniture in the team’s conference room several hours before last Friday's scheduled meeting with wide receiver Derrick Mason. “Oh my God, I can’t believe an actual, real-life football player is coming here to meet us,” 49ers president Jed York told reporters before taking a deep breath, wiping sweat from his forehead, and yelling at his colleagues not to come off as too desperate. “Let’s just be cool. We’ll let him be the first person to bring up football, and then we’ll mention that we’re fans of his, real casual. Wait—should we have shoulder pads in here? Is he going to want to play football with us or just talk about football? But maybe he doesn't want to be put on the spot. You think we hung up too many pictures of him on the wall?” At press time, Mason had yet to show, and a visibly solemn York had to be comforted by team GM Trent Baalke, who assured his boss that Mason was probably just stuck in traffic somewhere.

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