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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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49ers Front Office Excited For Meeting With Football Player

SAN FRANCISCO—Members of the 49ers front office admitted to frantically cleaning up clutter and rearranging furniture in the team’s conference room several hours before last Friday's scheduled meeting with wide receiver Derrick Mason. “Oh my God, I can’t believe an actual, real-life football player is coming here to meet us,” 49ers president Jed York told reporters before taking a deep breath, wiping sweat from his forehead, and yelling at his colleagues not to come off as too desperate. “Let’s just be cool. We’ll let him be the first person to bring up football, and then we’ll mention that we’re fans of his, real casual. Wait—should we have shoulder pads in here? Is he going to want to play football with us or just talk about football? But maybe he doesn't want to be put on the spot. You think we hung up too many pictures of him on the wall?” At press time, Mason had yet to show, and a visibly solemn York had to be comforted by team GM Trent Baalke, who assured his boss that Mason was probably just stuck in traffic somewhere.

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