49ers To Start Backup Coach

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Vol 43 Issue 44

Fancy Man Enjoys Tea

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—"I normally have some Earl Grey in the morning," said Baumer, referring to the tea named after a guy who ran around England in a wig and fruity tights.

Seinfeld's Return

Nine years after his eponymous television show went off the air, Jerry Seinfeld is making a splash with his new film Bee Movie. What do...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

49ers To Start Backup Coach

Frustrated by the ineffectiveness of head coach Mike Nolan, the 49ers organization announced Monday that backup coach Tom Gorzynski, a journeyman the team picked up off the coaching waiver wire in August, will make his first NFL start against the Falcons Sunday. "I just need to take advantage of this opportunity to show I can coach at this level," said Gorzynski, who has been making all coaching decisions for the 49ers practice squad this season. "I'm ready to take the reins and make the players make something happen. I just need to go out to the sideline and coach my own game plan. I know it's a huge responsibility, but I'm confident in my scheduling, managing, and delegating." Although Gorzynski feels his effort will be highly scrutinized, he said coaching PATs in preseason, as well as coaching several kneel-down plays late in the fourth quarter of games during the regular season, had given him unbridled confidence.
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