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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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5-Million-Car Pileup Kills Dallas-Fort Worth

DALLAS—The Texas Highway Patrol announced that Dallas and Fort Worth, the state's largest metropolitan area, was killed instantly during evening rush hour Monday, after their 5,104,233 vehicles were involved in a series of violent head-on, rear-end, and T-bone collisions on Interstate 30. "This is one of the worst wrecks I've seen, made even sadder by the fact that these cities were so young," state trooper Lew Pettibone said. "It's especially painful knowing how close these cities were." Dallas, 151, and Fort Worth, which turned 134 two weeks ago, are survived by their sister city, Arlington, and several younger suburbs.

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