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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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5-Million-Car Pileup Kills Dallas-Fort Worth

DALLAS—The Texas Highway Patrol announced that Dallas and Fort Worth, the state's largest metropolitan area, was killed instantly during evening rush hour Monday, after their 5,104,233 vehicles were involved in a series of violent head-on, rear-end, and T-bone collisions on Interstate 30. "This is one of the worst wrecks I've seen, made even sadder by the fact that these cities were so young," state trooper Lew Pettibone said. "It's especially painful knowing how close these cities were." Dallas, 151, and Fort Worth, which turned 134 two weeks ago, are survived by their sister city, Arlington, and several younger suburbs.

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