5 Million Illegal Immigrants To Realize Dreams Of Having Deportation Deferred

Top Headlines


Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

5 Million Illegal Immigrants To Realize Dreams Of Having Deportation Deferred

WASHINGTON—Saying that they had finally attained a life of slightly less uncertainty, 5 million of the nation’s illegal immigrants confirmed that the executive order announced by President Obama Thursday night would allow them to at last realize their dreams of having their deportation deferred for an indeterminate period of time. “When I came to this country 11 years ago, it was in the hope that one day, if I worked hard enough, I could be granted a temporary, tenuous reprieve from the threat of being forcefully removed,” said undocumented immigrant Luiz Adelo, adding that, like millions of his fellow illegal immigrants, he was overjoyed to learn that he will not be detained by Immigration Services in the very immediate future. “After escaping the drug cartel violence of my village and fleeing to America, it was the thought of a life suspended in complete limbo that kept me going as I traveled through the grueling desert terrain for three days. To be tacitly allowed to live and work in this country that I love, all the while knowing that this protection could disappear in two years, or even two months—it’s made it all worth it.” Sources confirmed that the 6 million immigrants not covered by the plan had scaled back their dreams to simply being political pawns in a future partisan showdown.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close