5-Year-Old Alabama Boy Misses Fun 'Bunker Grandpa'

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Vol 49 Issue 06

Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one: Make his favorite home-cooked meal and leave a trail of it leading to the bed. If you forgot to buy her flowers, ...

Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—A song forged by the Ruler of Darkness himself in the blackest bowels of the accursed underworld proved to be the big winner at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday, taking home an impressive six of the music industry’s top honors, including Song of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance.

SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show

A PR firm advises the United States to distance itself from Alabama, the FDA announces peanut butter contains traces of rat feces but life's weird like that sometimes, and a doomed rabbit teaches an 8-year-old about responsibility.
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    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

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5-Year-Old Alabama Boy Misses Fun 'Bunker Grandpa'

MIDLAND CITY, AL—Hours after an FBI raid freed him from the underground bunker where he had been held hostage for six days, 5-year-old Alabama boy Ethan told reporters that he already misses his fun, super-cool Bunker Grandpa. “Bunker Grandpa let me stay up all night and do whatever I want!” Ethan said Monday night, adding that he couldn’t wait to tell all his friends at school about getting to spend a week playing in an “awesome underground playhouse with [his] new best friend.” “He said I never had to go to school again, and as long as I was real quiet, he let me eat Skittles for dinner every night! I love Bunker Pop-Pop.” Ethan stated that the best part of the experience was when the 65-year-old kidnapper let him see a real gun “way up close.”

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