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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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5-Year-Old Feels Like She Just Wasted Whole Carousel Ride Waving To Dad

COLUMBUS, OH—Local 5-year-old Kimberly Hanson confirmed Sunday she regrets having spent the entirety of a recent carousel ride waving to her nearby father instead of taking in the full range of sights and sounds offered by the amusement park ride. "There I was on this huge merry-go-round, riding a beautiful purple horse as lights sparkled and happy music played, but when I saw my dad, I just couldn’t stop waving,” said the kindergartner, telling reporters she “completely missed” the carousel’s scenic 360-degree view of the state fairgrounds. "I should have just let myself enjoy the moment. Now I’ll never have an opportunity like that again.” At press time, sources confirmed a weeping Hanson appeared adequately placated by various fried foods on sticks.

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