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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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5-Year-Old Figures He Has A Year Left Of Peeing At Urinals With His Pants All The Way Down

MODESTO, CA—Standing at a urinal in a ballpark men’s room Sunday afternoon, 5-year-old Derek Hill estimated that he likely has about a year left of urinating in public restrooms with his pants all the way down to his ankles. “It’s probably going to look really weird if I’m still doing this at 7 or 8, and I am willing to acknowledge that,” said Hill, standing with his legs far apart and holding his rolled-up shirt above his abdomen. “Which is annoying, because it’s just so much easier this way, you know? I know it won’t last forever, so I figure I might as well keep dropping my pants to the ground to pee while I still can.” Hill later lamented that as recently as 2012 it had been acceptable for him to avoid the inconvenience of getting up at night to use the bathroom by simply urinating in the comfort of his own bed.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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