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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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5-Year-Old Figures He Has A Year Left Of Peeing At Urinals With His Pants All The Way Down

MODESTO, CA—Standing at a urinal in a ballpark men’s room Sunday afternoon, 5-year-old Derek Hill estimated that he likely has about a year left of urinating in public restrooms with his pants all the way down to his ankles. “It’s probably going to look really weird if I’m still doing this at 7 or 8, and I am willing to acknowledge that,” said Hill, standing with his legs far apart and holding his rolled-up shirt above his abdomen. “Which is annoying, because it’s just so much easier this way, you know? I know it won’t last forever, so I figure I might as well keep dropping my pants to the ground to pee while I still can.” Hill later lamented that as recently as 2012 it had been acceptable for him to avoid the inconvenience of getting up at night to use the bathroom by simply urinating in the comfort of his own bed.

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