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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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5-Year-Old Figures He Has A Year Left Of Peeing At Urinals With His Pants All The Way Down

MODESTO, CA—Standing at a urinal in a ballpark men’s room Sunday afternoon, 5-year-old Derek Hill estimated that he likely has about a year left of urinating in public restrooms with his pants all the way down to his ankles. “It’s probably going to look really weird if I’m still doing this at 7 or 8, and I am willing to acknowledge that,” said Hill, standing with his legs far apart and holding his rolled-up shirt above his abdomen. “Which is annoying, because it’s just so much easier this way, you know? I know it won’t last forever, so I figure I might as well keep dropping my pants to the ground to pee while I still can.” Hill later lamented that as recently as 2012 it had been acceptable for him to avoid the inconvenience of getting up at night to use the bathroom by simply urinating in the comfort of his own bed.

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