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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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5-Year-Old Reluctantly Lets Crying Mom Sleep In His Bed Again

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Telling himself it was the last time he would let her do so, area 5-year-old Adrien Hughes once again agreed to let his crying mother, Rachel, sleep in his bed last night, sources confirmed Wednesday morning. “All right, come on, get in,” said the exhausted child, who reportedly proceeded to rub the 37-year-old’s back while assuring her that she was okay and everything was going to be fine. “I’m right here, see? I’m right here next to you. There’s nothing to be afraid of, Mom. You were just having a bad night. Let’s go to sleep now.” Hughes later admitted he was also concerned to see his mother still drinking from her bottle.

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