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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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5-Year-Old Says 'Sesame Street' Has Sucked Since 2010

NEW YORK—Claiming that it’s “been going downhill for a while now,” lifelong Sesame Street viewer Brayden Granger, 5, told reporters Friday that he believes the popular children’s show has sucked since 2010. “The guest stars have been terrible this season—Zac Efron, really?—and the new cast sucks, too,” said Granger, who criticized the show’s writers for “totally screw[ing] up the Big Bird character.” “The season opener was okay, I guess. The letter P, that was pretty great. Problem is, though, you have to sit through a bunch of crap to get to those gems. You never had to do that back in 2009.” Granger added that despite the decline in quality, he would probably continued to watch the show “at least twice a day.”

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