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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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5-Year-Old Says 'Sesame Street' Has Sucked Since 2010

NEW YORK—Claiming that it’s “been going downhill for a while now,” lifelong Sesame Street viewer Brayden Granger, 5, told reporters Friday that he believes the popular children’s show has sucked since 2010. “The guest stars have been terrible this season—Zac Efron, really?—and the new cast sucks, too,” said Granger, who criticized the show’s writers for “totally screw[ing] up the Big Bird character.” “The season opener was okay, I guess. The letter P, that was pretty great. Problem is, though, you have to sit through a bunch of crap to get to those gems. You never had to do that back in 2009.” Granger added that despite the decline in quality, he would probably continued to watch the show “at least twice a day.”

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