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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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5-Year-Old Says 'Sesame Street' Has Sucked Since 2010

NEW YORK—Claiming that it’s “been going downhill for a while now,” lifelong Sesame Street viewer Brayden Granger, 5, told reporters Friday that he believes the popular children’s show has sucked since 2010. “The guest stars have been terrible this season—Zac Efron, really?—and the new cast sucks, too,” said Granger, who criticized the show’s writers for “totally screw[ing] up the Big Bird character.” “The season opener was okay, I guess. The letter P, that was pretty great. Problem is, though, you have to sit through a bunch of crap to get to those gems. You never had to do that back in 2009.” Granger added that despite the decline in quality, he would probably continued to watch the show “at least twice a day.”

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