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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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$50 Million Worth Of Diamonds Stolen In Average Day In Brussels

BRUSSELS—A team of professional burglars is said to have skillfully evaded security at Brussels’ international airport Monday night and escaped with roughly $50 million worth of diamonds in what law enforcement officials in the Belgian capital are describing as a routine, everyday occurrence in the city. “At this time, we can confirm that several disguised cat burglars made off with hundreds of polished and uncut diamonds, though the crime appears entirely unrelated to yesterday’s daring ruby heist from the Royal Palace and the theft of several million dollars in rare black pearls from this same airport two days ago,” said police spokesman Julien De Smet, noting that the brazen robbery would be added to the list of high-stakes jewel thefts, expert safecracking, fine art burglaries, vase pilferings, and countless other deftly executed capers occurring daily in Brussels. “As usual, we’ll continue to keep close surveillance on the city’s museums and high-society personal art collections, as well as the thousands of armored trucks that transport large quantities of gems, masterpiece paintings, and priceless ancient statuary around the city each and every day.” At press time, an Interpol bulletin confirmed that De Smet himself was an imposter and that his press conference had merely served as a diversion while an invaluable ancient Roman frieze was swiped from the nearby Musée du Cinquantenaire.

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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