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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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$50 Million Worth Of Diamonds Stolen In Average Day In Brussels

BRUSSELS—A team of professional burglars is said to have skillfully evaded security at Brussels’ international airport Monday night and escaped with roughly $50 million worth of diamonds in what law enforcement officials in the Belgian capital are describing as a routine, everyday occurrence in the city. “At this time, we can confirm that several disguised cat burglars made off with hundreds of polished and uncut diamonds, though the crime appears entirely unrelated to yesterday’s daring ruby heist from the Royal Palace and the theft of several million dollars in rare black pearls from this same airport two days ago,” said police spokesman Julien De Smet, noting that the brazen robbery would be added to the list of high-stakes jewel thefts, expert safecracking, fine art burglaries, vase pilferings, and countless other deftly executed capers occurring daily in Brussels. “As usual, we’ll continue to keep close surveillance on the city’s museums and high-society personal art collections, as well as the thousands of armored trucks that transport large quantities of gems, masterpiece paintings, and priceless ancient statuary around the city each and every day.” At press time, an Interpol bulletin confirmed that De Smet himself was an imposter and that his press conference had merely served as a diversion while an invaluable ancient Roman frieze was swiped from the nearby Musée du Cinquantenaire.

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