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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.
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$50 Million Worth Of Diamonds Stolen In Average Day In Brussels

BRUSSELS—A team of professional burglars is said to have skillfully evaded security at Brussels’ international airport Monday night and escaped with roughly $50 million worth of diamonds in what law enforcement officials in the Belgian capital are describing as a routine, everyday occurrence in the city. “At this time, we can confirm that several disguised cat burglars made off with hundreds of polished and uncut diamonds, though the crime appears entirely unrelated to yesterday’s daring ruby heist from the Royal Palace and the theft of several million dollars in rare black pearls from this same airport two days ago,” said police spokesman Julien De Smet, noting that the brazen robbery would be added to the list of high-stakes jewel thefts, expert safecracking, fine art burglaries, vase pilferings, and countless other deftly executed capers occurring daily in Brussels. “As usual, we’ll continue to keep close surveillance on the city’s museums and high-society personal art collections, as well as the thousands of armored trucks that transport large quantities of gems, masterpiece paintings, and priceless ancient statuary around the city each and every day.” At press time, an Interpol bulletin confirmed that De Smet himself was an imposter and that his press conference had merely served as a diversion while an invaluable ancient Roman frieze was swiped from the nearby Musée du Cinquantenaire.

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